Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.

–Moms

who did the taste test?

In my next life I’m coming back with money and good looks. This great personality shit is not working.

My daughter just informed me that 75% of you follow me because of how I look.

I’m not sure if I’m flattered or insulted.

THERAPIST: Ever had a job?
ME: I once worked at a zoo
T: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: Definitely not a penguin
T: What
M: What

I wanted to go see the Queen reunion concert but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…

the way this pissed me off… 😭

“i absorbed my twin in utero” dont care. not even impressive. i absorbed a guy just last week. fully grown man. had a family. might absorb them too

Me: Somewhere out there my soulmate is watching this same murder documentary and eating a block of cheese in her sweatpants
My husband:

i would like to meet the marketing/branding team that goes to work every morning, satisfied that this is the logo that represents their business

People are out here fighting over Walmart and Target. Meanwhile, I haven’t stepped a foot in either of these stores for eleven years because of the same people who will fight over and in a Walmart and Target.

“Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.

I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.

Then I get kicked out.

Landlord just came in the office and inserted £100 in my cleavage. I would question my professional integrity but £100! Wooo hooo.

I just got this twitter error: “The server understood your request but is refusing to fill it.” Apparently, twitter thinks we’re married.

[montage of me giving-up]

wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
*calls wife*
me: Can you bring me a shirt?

Teens be like, “This is the worst day of my life” and it’s just they were told to unload the dishwasher.

Me too 😆

I’m a creative speller thus no typos, just art.

Imagine the scariest ride you’ve ever been on ….

Got it?

Then there’s dating me.

When the @funTweeters account RTs my tweet.

Me: I want a labrador but pet shops are so expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’

Daughter has prom tomorrow so I’ve been practicing my “Menacing Dad Face” all day….so far I’ve had a colleague offer me Tums.

People saying I should stand up for myself have never sat in this bean bag chair.

Are you thinking of putting a dozen Cheerios in a ring box on the kitchen counter with a sign that says “Honey, I Shrunk The Donuts”, just to keep your marriage exciting, or are you normal?

I am a:
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 goose

Looking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 bread

I think my neighbor just noticed that I was wearing a pair of shoes he put into his trash last week.

Pulling out of the driveway for a two-hour car ride to visit family.

My 5yo from the backseat: “Don’t turn the radio on, Mama. I brought my harmonica so I can play you music.”

How do I get a job writing these texts