bf took me to get undies n he wanted to embarrass me so he said real loud: “i can’t wait to rip these off with my teeth” n i replied with: “seriously u need to stop, ur my brother”
i won
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if you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape
People who make up phrases and try to pass them off as popular sayings are just throwing meat to the monkeys in the middle of a maelstrom.
DATE: what’s with the tattoo?
ME: that’s Alcatraz
DATE: “prison tats” are not normally of the actual prison building
I met my wife while on holiday. Which was awkward, as I’d told her I was going to a funeral.
The song said “Everybody Wang Chung” and apparently, I’m the only one who can follow directions in the produce section of this grocery store
Who gets custody of us when Twitter dies?
I used to feel sorry for people eating lunch by themselves but now I feel sorry for the people eating lunch with other people.
pros and cons of being the last person alive on earth, according to my 8 year old:
con: loneliness
pro: every dog on the planet now belongs to you
Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote King Lear.
i turned 40 and suddenly i can’t see shit if i drive at night and it’s raining. Is the lane still there? Idk. Did the road disappear? Idk. Am I even on the road anymore? Nope.
Your sister wives’ moms are technically mother-in-against-the-laws
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
Someone once told me I can’t say I hate camping if I’ve never been camping but I’ve never been stabbed in the eye and I can say with 100% certainty I would hate it so how’s this any different
When people ask me for something at work I say, “Sure! Let me see here..” and rummage around in my desk drawer until they leave
Confuse future archaeologists by burying human bones as if they’re riding dinosaur skeletons into battle.
Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.
Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.
People act all namby-pamby while dating, then wonder why divorce rates are so high. Stop chatting about the weather and start asking the real questions, people. How do you feel about lace curtains? Will you cheat on me if I let myself go? Do you check your brake lines regularly?
My rings were getting loose so I gained ten pounds.
Friend: can I borrow £20?
Me: No.
*slides me £20
Friend: How about now?
My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.
Always strange when the wolves decide to raise you rather than to eat you.
I’ve named my couch American Idle.
Something crazy about Hollywood’s silent film age is that a guy will be driving a train off a cliff while being attacked by lions and you’ll think “Wow, how’d they do that effect!” then you look it up and they literally had lions attack a guy while he drove a train off a cliff
[eraser factory]
BOSS: what makes u think ur right for the job?
ME: *hands him blank piece of paper* I think my resumé speaks for itself
“Oh shit I murdered someone”
“You should turn yourself into the police”
“Great idea!” *puts on badge and hat* “Looks like a suicide to me”
All kids are born with a sixth sense that lets them know the absolute worst time to ask for something.
People just like to argue.
People: No we don’t
White Walkers need coffee too #WinterIsHere
Standing on the corner with a cardboard sign that says ‘will work around red flags.’