bf took me to get undies n he wanted to embarrass me so he said real loud: “i can’t wait to rip these off with my teeth” n i replied with: “seriously u need to stop, ur my brother”
i won
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ME: How do you spell ‘inferno’?
BOSS: What?
ME: I’m writing an email
BOSS: Oh my god, the building is on fire!!
ME: Yeah, that’s probably a better way of wording it
If a coworker asks to borrow your pen – sniff it and say, “I think this one is safe” and see if they’ll take it from your hand.
My monster costume for Halloween’s just going to be whispering, “better hope it’s not the poisoned one,” to kids when I hand out candy.
If I’m napping in my car, don’t wake me up
unless I’m driving
°at Nike advertising meeting°
I need a slogan for these shoes by the end of the day. I don’t care how it gets done just do it..hold up a sec
Flying to China to meet my inflatable boyfriend’s parents.
Just once I’d like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMFAO
You know that confused look old people get when looking at new technology?
I’m like that, but with salad.
The auto parts store is like ‘get our free app’ as if I’m buying parts everyday. I only need this one thing.
boss: can i speak to you in my office
me: anything you need to say to me, you can say in front of my crocodiles
You know what I’m hoping is in my Easter basket this year?
A nap.
(Just kidding. Moms don’t get baskets.)
(Or naps.)
Me: What kind of eggs do you want for breakfast? Scrambled? Fried?
4 Year Old: Chocolate
Me: You really are my child.
The best thing about your fifties is when they give you diplomatic immunity from the court of public opinion.
So far the hardest thing about learning how to swallow swords has been cutting the swords up into chewable chunks.
WIFE: this cheese goes hard
ME: hell yeah it does
WIFE: no i mean you have to put it back in the packet
My teen looks at me.
Her sweet voice says “are you going to work today?”
But her eyes say “in THAT outfit?”
This is Miles. He was asked what he was doing. And explained very clearly. 13/10
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
I tried calling off work this morning but my boss just screamed and threw his light up shoes at me and now we’re on our way to the park again
Bike for sale
enough about microplastics. wanna try some macroplastics. i’m eating a frisbee
To see if my husband uses his shopping list, I used book titles instead food items. So we are either having Grapes or Wrath or bagel bites for dinner.
6-year-old: I have a spelling test tomorrow.
Me: What do you have to spell?
6: Words, probably.
I scream, you scream, we all scream, while I’m crawling under the bathroom stall to say hi to you.
I think the ideal solution to my problems would be for me to get tenure. I don’t know exactly what tenure is but I think it could really turn things around for me.
DAD: i’m sorry but your mother and i would like you to stay away for awhile
ME: i understand. who knows what could happen with this virus
DAD: what virus
My wife got mad at me for buying the family size pack of oreos for just the two of us and I was like are we or are we not a family