Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sees friend from highschool. Gives friend a big hug. Refuses to let go of friend. Becomes siamese friends.

Murderer: *murdering me*

Me: (unconvincingly) Oh… oh no… stop… I don’t… want to be late for work

What do you call a man who thinks women are easy to lie to?

Deceased

omfg can’t draw but I was just biking on some country roads, saw no one for miles. I loudly greeted the farmers dog at the exact moment a silent road cyclist whipped past. he definitely did not see the dog. he definitely thought I called him a puppy. I will never forget his face

I’ve never seen anything sadder than me in a black cape under the salon lights with wet hair parted incorrectly by a solid inch

There’s absolutely no way Lady Gaga was born with half an Office Depot hot-glued to her head.

My 5yo: Mommy what are shark cooties.

Me: …. What?

5: Ava said shark cooties are her favorite snack.

Me: …..

Me: CHARCUTERIE. She likes charcuterie.

Tuesday be like “My name is Tuesday and I am not Monday in disguise”.

I like to reinvent myself every year, last year I was a small Italian woman and the year before that a bear.

Y’all realise that you can play a joke on someone without it being April 1st? Like no one is monitoring this!

dark side of the loom

[first date]

Date: So what do you do for a living?

Jesus: I’m a carpenter but my real passion is hosting self-help seminars.

You can’t scare me. You’re not my child telling me that she’s tidied my bedroom and that there’s a surprise..

I don’t often find an occasion to work the word “repugnant” into casual conversation, but you’ve inspired me.

Coworker: Are you joining us for the team meeting in the conference room?

Me: Nah, I’ve got too much to do.

Coworker: That’s too bad, the boss brought in some donuts.

Me:

The Cleveland kidnapper was found dead in his cell. I guess being locked up against your will didn’t agree with him.

hey people that post selfies on Instagram and caption it ‘No Filter’, go with a filter next time. serious

Got kicked out of the grocery store again for re-enacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe don’t play Unchained Melody on the loud speaker and we won’t have this problem.

When I finished a one on one session with a first grader he pulled back his chair and said I need a strong cup of coffee.

What’s the game you play that when you lose you never regret it?

Russian roulette.

I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her! And that’s when my son went back to playing Minecraft 🙁

Me, on phone: Hi, I’d like to cancel my account.
Cust Serv Rep: Oh I’m sorry, you’re not an authorized user.
Me: Oh ok, let me go grab my husband
Also me: Hi, this is Nicholas

SON: Can we have ice cream for dinner?
ME: [already ate all the ice cream for breakfast] Sorry kid, that’s not a proper meal

I don’t believe in gender equality because there are just some things I’m not meant to do. Like be the sane one in a relationship.

the first time my brother got covid, he decided to shave his head and tell everyone it was one of the symptoms, which was just so wrong yet so very very funny

I like how your profile picture is you at your wedding, so are you like a professional bride

I like Halloween because no one questions the human skulls I keep on my front porch as long as I put candles in them.

God inventing people:
Put a cap on the tip of their fingers for protection, because they will hit their fingers with a hammer, you know what let’s confuse the shit out of them and call it a nail too

Which essential oil is best for getting people to stop talking to you

airlines: “you can purchase a can of beer”

me: 😃

“it’s $9”

😩

“there’s a 50/50 chance we’ll forget to come back and charge you”

😃