Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Do you enjoy addiction, anxiety, and urinating? Then coffee may be the beverage for you.

Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.

They put me in the ICU.

They:’What doesn’t kill you..’

Me:’I don’t want to be stronger.’

The guy two cubes down wears vests, curls his mustache, and never says a word. I always smile politely because maybe he’ll spare my life.

Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ❌

:-for the notifications to go away✅

Birthday sex is just having sex to celebrate your parents having sex.

I told my husband that our toddler won’t eat tomatoes and he asked why not, as if toddlers are normal human beings

If you occasionally blow on your bourbon during a Zoom meeting, the other folks will think you’re enjoying a hot cup of tea.

I just made my daughter a grilled cheese and her response was “this is perfect, I bet you can’t do it twice” so yes, she knows how to play the game

Whales go days, sometimes weeks at a time without giving anyone their opinion.

Sometimes when my husband gets too comfy I like to whisper sexy suggestions like how amazing the neighbor’s lawn has been looking so I can watch him leap out of his chair and rage mow our yard into perfection

Art by Pastelkatto

Man: a pack of condoms please.

Cashier: would you like a paper bag?

Man: no thanks, she’s pretty good looking.

Me: Okay, time to get off our bed
Dog: It’s adorable that you think that.

I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.

A little boy looked at my tie the other day and told me that he really liked my leash.

I hope to stop crying soon.

it’s dangerous to go alone. take this with you

A funny thing about the Heimlich Maneuver is that it’s impossible to pronounce if you’re choking.

When I was a kid, dad would say ‘I’d give that a minute’ as he emerged from the bathroom after a heavy night on the beer.

I vowed I’d never be that crass with my kids, so I don’t give them any such warning.

🌲😼

Every time my boyfriend and I break up, we get back together for half the length of our previous relationship. My friends say it’s unhealthy, but as a student of mathematics, I know it’s bound to end in a finite amount of time.

Hot tip: Apparently it’s frowned upon to make the sound effect tssst when being blessed by a priest

It’s always the Great Wall of China, but I feel bad for all the other walls in China. They’re like
“Hey i’m a pretty good wall too.”

[interrogation]
“Where were u on the nite of the 5th?”
Stabbing a guy.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Grabbing a pie. I went out for pie.

My 13yo likes to remind me that he’s taller than me, and I like to remind him I’m the one who signs his permission slips to do the fun things at school.

Every time this gets RTed a member of Congress gets kicked in the groin.

Started answering all spam texts/calls of “is this so and so?” with “no, this is Patrick.”

I knocked over a plant in the kitchen but my cat saw me so I had to spray myself with water so I could show the law applies to everyone

got kicked out of a morgue for promoting body positivity

Me: Bob, it’s pronounced CHANGING, not a-changin’.
Bob Dylan: ?
Me: Can someone teach Bob to say CHANGE?
*David Bowie stands up*
Me: Not you