*BF walks in on me surrounded by dozens of empty Reddi Whip cans*
ARE YOU HUFFING AEROSOL?
Me- *Mouth full of whip cream* –
Yeff
You Might Also Like
Go to a botanical garden? Haha, yeah, okay. Like I want to pay money to walk through a giant salad
Me: What’s the capital of Ohio?
Son: …
Me: It’s also a famous explorer.
Son: Dora?
Me: Yep. Dora, Ohio.
Caught my son on an archaeology website looking at dirty pitchers.
just overheard my boyfriend, who works outside all day, describe me to someone as “an indoor cat”
Ohhhhmygod my bra is showing? Should we tell everyone? Should we throw a dress code disciplinary meeting? Should we invite my middle school vice principal
Everybody looks down on Pinterest until they need a good recipe for homemade organic edible panties.
me, one hour into the “no solid food for three weeks” thinkin about pizza
which department at your work thinks they know everything but constantly screws things up and why is I.T.
Me: I just need some alone time away from the kids
Wife: When?
Me: Between 2 and 5
Wife: Ok
Me: I’ll be back when they’re 6
Screw it. SCREW EVERYTHING.
– me, 5 minutes after learning how to use a power drill
Melatonin: You want some help falling asleep?
Me: Yes please.
Melatonin: And you want your nightmares more vivid and real?
Me: What?
Ceiling Lady: 🅈🄾🅄 🄷🄴🄰🅁🄳 🄷🄸🄼.
The writer is someone who decides school wasn’t enough homework and they actually need homework for the rest of their lives
2:10 – perfect popcorn
2:13 – firefighters on scene
nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you workedpeople will remember:
– that time I ate 30 pickles
– the rash I got looked like Alaska
– I am allergic to pickles
I’m definitely a ten
…tative 4
what jerk ever looked at a hamburger and thought “you know what this needs? A nice, soft, warm piece of lettuce.”
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable The Godfather – With Benefits
Bought a snake just so I wouldn’t waste the name ‘Hisstopher’.
Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?
Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me-
Me: [takes all of my laundry out of the dryer without dropping any of it on the floor]
Shania Twain: oh shit wow
*opens fridge door, looking for friends *
[1st time at a crime scene]
Cop: What do you think happened?Me: The killer murdered these people by trapping them in these body bags
Cop: um we put them on
Me: Another good theory
[suspecting Kyle is a werewolf] ME: Ive laid out all the good silverware for us tonight
K: Its chips & salsa
M: Aaand? *stabs chip w/ fork*
Anytime I need to leave my name for a server to yell out later when my order is ready I always say it’s “Marco”.
I just saw a guy with leather pants get out of an IROC-Z. I wanted to say “Welcome to the future, traveler. You’re going to love it here!”
It’s Easter, I plan to count how many eggs each kid finds.
When they ask where stuff is I’ll remind them how good they are at finding things.
I don’t have any kids but I am a proud father of a food baby right now.
What do you mean normal people don’t remove their pants to eat dinner
genie: u have three wishes, but u can’t make someone love u
me: random rule but ok
genie: seriously don’t even try
me: ok i won’t
genie:
me:
genie: *crying* trust me it doesn’t work