BF went to text me “almost there”
It came out “almost dead”
So hungover, I wrote back “thank god”
And now he arrived and things are awkward
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me at the assigned security training after clicking another fake phishing email
The five years of life you gain by eating healthy are spent preparing healthy food.
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Me: Oooh, I’m parked between two other Subarus! I’m the middle of a Subaru sandwich!! 🥰🥰🥰
“OMG, it’s so big!”
(Your ego)
Paying the internet $4.99 to take an IQ test is you failing the test.
[putting an old car in reverse] oh this takes me back
I could die and my boss would hold a seance to ask if I have my shift covered.
A gym so fancy they call it a James.
Cheap 1st Date Ideas: Get some matching Red Polo shirts & hang out in a Target. Give terrible info to inquisitive costumers.
when a toddler tells a story
I like telling people to “grow up” because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say “Took my advice I see”
[drunk, yelling at a can of baked beans] ALEXA PLAY BENNIE AND THE JETS
everyone’s allowed one idiotic business idea, and this is mine: a high-end restaurant for chewing gum. we manufacture many of our own gums in-house, but we also offer rare and vintage varieties. you want gatorgum, the gatorade gum from 1992? it’s part of tonight’s $155 prix fixe
Please sign my petition to get my husband off the couch
Safety first
When someone asks me what my dream job is it’s just like “I don’t know dude, I don’t dream about jobs”
[dog on trial for murder]
lawyer: who’s a good boy?
dog: I am
lawyer: your honor I rest my case
#WhatMostWomenWant A man with a vibrating penis.
[pulling my wife out of the sewer]
her: this is why you have to put the toilet seat down
Captain: Did you break the sonar again?
Me: Yessir. I’m sorry
Captain: This is why we can’t have nice pings
Wife: We need to do something with the kids
Me: I’m so glad you brought this up. Foster care is–
Wife: No, I meant an activity this afternoon
Just because I’m smiling doesn’t necessarily mean that I like you. I might be picturing you on fire.
Chips are not only delicious, but if you crunch them loud enough you can’t hear your children anymore.
TEACHER: Have you got anything for today’s palindrome class?
STUDENT: dammit I’m mad
TEACHER: OK, OK, I’ll ask someone else
Pinterest could’ve been an amazing dating site. If the project ideas came with men to do them, there wouldn’t be a single cat lady left.
Establish dominance in the mom group by looking the other moms in the eye as you jump on a trampoline without going to the bathroom first.
Son: “Mom, Dad we need to talk…. I’m a vegan”
**Mom cries running out the room
Dad: Why can’t you just have a normal eating disorder?
COME ON KRUSE #fencing
Me: I’m on social media because I want attention.
Scammers: Hi!
Me: Not like that.
My niece asked me what it’s like to be an uncle, so we got a feral cat from a shelter, chased it around for a bit, then took it back.