Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.

Neighbour said, “Stop using our hot tub while we’re not home!” So I only use it at night while they’re sleeping.

Found the book “How to solve half your problems.” So I bought two of them.

me: no, you can’t have ice cream for dinner

son: why not???

me: because

son: because you ate it all for lunch again?

me:

son:

me: if you don’t tell mom I’ll give you a popsicle for breakfast

Anyone: I’m cold
Me: Get a sweatshirt or something I’m not your mother

Dog: *shivers once*
Me: I WILL USE MY BODY HEAT TO KEEP YOU ALIVE

What idiot called it Santa’s holiday and not his sleighcation?

Operator: 911, what’s your emergency?

Me: Yeah, so I’ve heard of leaving your kid at the fire station, do they do pickup as well?

All I’m saying is if the toilet still flushes when the power and gas goes out, why don’t we run more things on toilet power?

Forgetting how to clean the dishes and shooting them with a gun

*recovering from a broken ankle*
My dogs: Let us protect you by making sure we are under every. single. step.

me: are you a cop you talk the talk.

ex-cop: not anymore

me: couldn’t walk the walk huh.

ex-cop: no didn’t lock the locks.

*pulls up pants*

Oh, you said ANNUAL review. Well, this is embarrassing. But just for reference, how’d I do?

*walks into alma mater carrying English degree*

I’d like a refund, please. This did not work as promised.

IRL

I was Today Years Old when I find out Labelle are singing “Creole Lady Marmalade” NOT “Be your Lady Marmalade”.

In a world full of Christmas fruitcakes, be a cheese ball

Toasters aren’t governed by that little dial.
They have free will.

million dollar idea: worm dehorser

[dean tries handing me a diploma as I walk across the stage] I have a boyfriend

[holding my brain upside down, shaking out its pockets] gimme your serotonin nerd

Two mushrooms in a forest.

One says: “Hi, how are you?”

The other replies: “Shut up, mushrooms can’t talk!”

#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe

[notice son’s not home]

[text]

Me: IT’S AFTER MIDNIGHT! I SAID HOME BY 11!

17: You were my ride.

Me: Oh. Where are you again?

Some parents sing the Clean Up song, but I just yell “I’m getting garbage bags you better hope you can pick up your toys faster than I can!”

I threw my cat a surprise party. Long story short, I need 30 stitches and learned I should never scream ‘SURPRISE’ directly in my cat’s face

How old are you?
Me: *panics*
Me: *trying to math it out*
Me: *forgets birth year*
Me: * forgets current year*
Me: *runs away*

He asked where I wanted to go for dinner, and that’s how the fight got started.

Bond sequel idea: His license to kill is downgraded to a license to hit people with his car but not so badly that they die

Ruin your teenagers day by looking in their general direction.

You can have a cereal that tastes good. You can have a cereal that makes you poop.

No. You cannot have both.

“Always give your food a rinse before you eat it,” my dad always used to say.

Lovely man.

Made terrible sandwiches.

Strange