BFF: do you ever have those weeks where you don’t want to work out, eat what you want and be lazy?
Me: *eating cheesecake with my hands while laying on a lounge chair* nope.
![]()
You Might Also Like
I was led to believe my middle ages would involve more jousts.
Not saying you’re shady but there is a family of squirrels gathered around your ankles.
Twitter is like the tenth time you’ve opened the fridge and there still isn’t anything good in it.
“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“You’ve tried all of them on?”
“This one.”![]()
welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is fEtbqP2LVp3U6Hkh
Chef: I like it when the roast beef falls apart.
Roast beef: *starts talking about its ex-boyfriend*
man: want a carrot?
horse: ok.
man: we’re friends now right.
horse: i guess.
man: great hey can you help me move.
Changing my name to ‘free unlimited high-speed wifi’ so everyone will love me.
my brother: grandma’s funeral is going to be closed casket
me: oh no
my brother: are you sad you won’t be able to see her one last time
me: no, it’s because this was going to be my only chance to pry her blueberry pie recipe from her cold, dead hands
It’s interesting growing up and discovering that most adults are not that clever. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
I love when really expensive products say ‘apply generously’ like of course you would say that
Today my grocery delivery guy mistakenly bought me plantains instead of bananas. After arduously explaining to him the difference between the two, we laughed to ourselves. A delicious faux pas and a classic mixup.
Anyway he’s dead now.
I would pay extra for a grocery store app that alerts me to the checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.
Doctor: congrats! Have you chosen a name yet?
Me: well i love Reese’s Pieces so
Doctor: Reese is a lovely name
Me: *holds baby up* meet Pieces
[team tryouts]
Coach: You really knocked that one out of the park.
Jimmy: Thanks Coach!
Coach: This is tennis.
*quietly tries to open bag of chips while fiancé is reading her wedding vows*
*amasses epic army of stoners but we do nothing because epic army of stoners*
My boss: Do you have Twitter?
Me: Spell it for me, I’ll search my apps.
Her: *whispering seductively in my ear* Tell me what you want baby.
Me: *whispering back* I was thinking maybe Thai food but up to you.
How to pick up a girl in a club:
1. Stare at her
2. Walk up to her
3. Shout stuff
airlines: “you can purchase a can of beer”
me: 😃
“it’s $9”
😩
“there’s a 50/50 chance we’ll forget to come back and charge you”
😃
Some people throw pasta at the wall to see what sticks, while other people just learn how to cook pasta.
I once made a mistake with plurals.
It was an amazing feet.
Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard
You know shit’s about to get real when I put on yoga pants before dessert.
Your date leans in and whispers “I’m not wearing panties.” You shiver. She continues: “I pooped a little and had to throw them away.”
A stranger was knocking on my door so naturally I hid, but then we locked eyes and she started knocking on my window. Thought this was common knowledge but if you’re knocking on a door and you see the person crouching under their window like an idiot turtle, no one’s home.
i couldn’t tell you, officer, they were wearing masks, they could have been any group of armed anthropomorphic turtles
It’s amazing how a simple act of kindness can change my bad mood into a suspicious bad mood.