Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I moisturize religiously because one of my grandmas has aged beautifully but one looks like emperor palpatine

I don’t need to read the room I already know how it ends

Plot twist: Dogs and cats do not adjust their clocks to Daylight Saving Time. Meals will be expected at the regularly appointed hour.

My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.

I bought a round area rug from IKEA, and these instructions not only saved me hours of confusion, they really helped me plan my weekend

Me: The kids haven’t eaten their sandwiches
Wife: ok just throw them out

[Later]
Me *helping the kids pack a suitcase* look I’m as surprised as you are

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?

shakira sharkira

Stories about panicked mothers lifting cars off their trapped babies… but it’s my wife hauling out 10 cases of wine during a house fire.

movie theater manager: im sorry no outside drinks
me: are you kidding me right now
my date: (the kool aid man) it’s fine we’ll just go somewhere else

Son: “Mom, Dad we need to talk…. I’m a vegan”

**Mom cries running out the room

Dad: Why can’t you just have a normal eating disorder?

Mom: Help! Is anyone here a doctor?
Vet: I treat horses but maybe i can help
M: My son broke his leg!
V: Ok hang on. My rifle’s in the truck

No handshakes?! Then how am I supposed to know when the mating ritual is over?

I made cookie dough 2 days ago and pre molded it into balls and froze them so I would be able to bake ONE cookie at a time AS NEEDED but so far I’ve just eaten 6 balls of cookie dough over a 2 day span

#ThingsIamRustyAt dieting

It’s so cold, my dentures are chattering as they soak.

Piss me off in the grocery store and I’ll get in front of you in the checkout line and pay for a single tomato with a personal check.

[first day as car salesman]
Customer: electric windows?
Me, taps window: glass
Customer: break horse power?
Me: oh yeah, this will smash a horse to bits
Customer: 4 wheel drive?
Me, quickly counts: yup
Customer: manual?
Me: in the glove box

i was skeptical about people paying money for my tweets but i just did the math and i could quite possibly make $5.98 a month.

me: help, my house is burning down!

mrs doubtfire: *narrows eyes* prove it

My kids just watched this video where two You Tubers stopped playing piano to fight each other with knives.

Me: Wow, you two really like comedy

Son: Who doesn’t like comedy?

Daughter: Who doesn’t like knives?

Accidentally sucked up a ghost in my vacuum cleaner, not sure what the protocol is for this

I don’t know which is worse, people stealing your tweets or people not stealing your tweets.

Wife: I just wish you would open up and tell me what you’re thinking.

Me: OK, in the $1.50 Costco hotdog combo do you think the hot dog is $1 and the drink is $.50 or both $.75?

*sells my soul*

Devil: I want a refund

[Wrench factory]
BOSS: I’m proud to say it’s been 250 days without an injury!
WORKERS: *celebrate by tossing all the wrenches into the air *

Cop: How much have you had to drink?

Me: 24 glasses of milk

Cop: Milk? Why were you driving so erratically?

Me: I was hoping I’d get pulled over so I could brag

We can put a robot on Mars but we can’t make a hand rail that goes the same speed as an escalator.

Why do cows wear bells?

Because their horns don’t work

[2011, pakistan, seal team 6 enters the compound]

“chief, something has brought the boys to the yard”

bin laden [making a milkshake]: SHIT