BFF: You better be dying calling me at 2 AM.
Me: This is important! If Kim Possible marries Ron Stoppable and take his last name does that change her ability to do anything?
BFF: I hate you.
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feetloaf
I’m not paying the ransom for my son. We do not negotiate with hospitals.
I know this is only our second date, but can I use your bathroom real quick?
Her: Of course…
*walks out 26 minutes later*
Thanks.
High School Reunions are bullshit. Why would I pay money to see people I’ve been deliberately avoiding for the past 20 years
Apparently this weekend there will be constant rane, hale, gails, drissle, thundre, litnin, hy tydes, tawnaydoes and frizzing colde.
Really bad spell of wether.
[guy in charge of naming superheroes]
Superman, next
Batman, next
Wonder Woman, next
Aquaman, next
*takes a hit of acid*
Green Lantern
“Just act natural,” I say to myself as I purchase a spade and two large bags of cement.
Any job that calls u a rockstar just know they’re underpaying u
“Can I ask you a question?” – my daughter, 73 questions ago
my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire
‘I like mouse but I couldn’t eat a whole one’
– Our sodding cat
Sorry I forgot your birthday but I thought we’d stop being friends long before it got here.
There’s just something about my posture after sitting in front of a computer for hours, a certain je ne sais quasimodo
The first 16 hours after getting out of bed are the hardest.
Talk to me like you’re trying to steal my credit card number, baby
The first one, obviously
I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.
I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.
Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?
TV doctor: You need to eat colourful foods for their vitamins and antioxidant properties
Me, eating a bowl of Skittles: *high fives myself
*Middle of dinner*
My kid: Can I have a snack?
The internet and tv at my house are both down, what’s a reasonable amount of time to wait before we start eating people
[I walk into my girlfriend’s house where she’s dressed like a cheerleader]: oh sorry you’re watching the game I’ll come back
I made smoochie face and noises at a deer yesterday and he ran.
That is why I don’t flirt
Friend 1: I love dry shampoo; it’s so simple!
F2: no water
F3: no chemicals
Me: Your hair is filthy.
Not to brag, but I can get a guy to date me for 3 whole dates before he runs for his life
[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex
Pulled off my t-shirt too fast and made my glasses disappear. I’m now available for bookings.
Most of the sports bras I own are because I couldn’t get them off before leaving the store.