Bi women make the best comedians because we can never keep a straight face.
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Girl, same.
[Scientific Conference]
Scientist 1: So science?
Scientist 2: *nodding* Science.
[at condiment counter]
*does shot of ketchup*
Me (gets in kid’s face): Wait your turn, punk
Wife: Oh no…he’s getting sauced up again
My son told me he couldn’t wait to grow up…
So I took out my vitamin day of the week organizer and explained every one. Next we discussed every body cream I have. Then we paid bills for the month. He was crying at this point so we had ice cream while we did meal planning.
Some people will put ketchup on anything: one time I found a first edition of Wuthering Heights in my dad’s attic & I just couldn’t resist.
You can’t even be mad at the dog for this. You just have to be impressed.
Just a thought. Why do trees get naked come Fall? They’re so careless too, just leaving their clothes everywhere
Everyone should own large grizzly bear in case they ever need to defend themselves against one.
I’ve never felt more geriatric than when I just looked up movie times and audibly gasped at the audacity of a 9:45 pm start. No sir! I will be 30 min into my melatonin induced coma by then.
Call any time! *terms and conditions apply
ME TO MY CAT: Now show them the word I taught you that means you have an ouchie.
MY CAT: me-ow
FRIENDS: ……you’re an idiot.
“I wish there was some kind of drink that would make you feel awake.” I say, just loud enough for my coffee to hear.
Vogue- strike a pose
Sleep- strike a doze
Leave- strike a goes
Firefight- strike a hose
Win The Bachelor- strike a final rose
Pitch in MLB- strike the pros
Blizzard- strike a froze
Assault- strike a nose
It’s weird when one person from your college friend group gets rich but you’ve all stayed in touch & their Facebook posts are like “I have always loved Pearl Jam & it was magical to see them perform on my back patio for my birthday!!!”
Me
At 18: hoping for world peace
At 48: hoping my wife laughs at the meme I show her
[the first couples argument]
Adam: It’s Christmas Eve.
Eve: No, you idiot. Christmas is tomorrow.
Paranoid? Nope. I’m just trying not to crash in case someone has replaced the airbag in my car with a boxing glove on a spring.
You are more likely to die in a plain crash than a fancy crash
Nothing shows more confidence in humanity that a mom with 4 kids in a drive through not checking the order before she pulls away
Sharks: [losing teeth]
Tooth fairy: please stop
SINCERE STUPID QUESTION:
was peter parker funny and quippy like he is when fighting as spider-man BEFORE he got his powers also, or did he get some kind of enhanced spider-sense of humor?
ARE SPIDERS VERY FUNNY NATURALLY?
wtf management?!
An extra mozzarella stick could be the difference in a 3 star or a 5 star experience.
*me overestimating my server’s position on reviews
jewelry making tip: a simple can of gold spraypaint can turn a chicken nugget into a gold nugget
So how long do I have to microwave this spider before I let it bite me?
My kids asked me where dinner is? Oh shit, was that today?
An evil villain is on the loose
Ant-Man: Yellowjacket again?
[giant kid with magnifying glass emerges]
Ant-Man: You gotta be kidding me
Cicadas are all like, “Y’all mind if I scream?”