Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*my friend pulling the dog’s tail after his surgery*

why isn’t this lamp working

*i look my lawyer dead in the face*
I said ask him.
*lawyer stands up*
Your honor my client would like to know where you got that robe.

I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.

We are going to watch tv.

you, an idiot: It’s pronounced worcestershire.

me, an intellectual and foodie: Actually, it’s pronounced worcestershire.

Why is it called a herd of horses and not a neighborhood?

[in bed]

me: was that thunder?

wife: i didn’t hear anything

dog: [checking Dog Handbook]
“in case of thunder, or any sound resembling thunder, stand directly on the nearest human head”

[moth meeting]
Moth: I was thinking, since we all love the light so much why don’t we come out during the day?
Head moth: no, we fly into lamps until we die

911: 911

Me: I’m being chased

911: in your car?

Me: no in theirs

911: wh—

Me: how do I turn the sirens on?

One time in med school we had a lecture on the dangers of sleep deprivation and it was an Alanis Morissette level of irony that the lecture was at 7am.

when you’re supposed to be in bed but the grown-ups’ dinner party is too loud

interviewer: what was your last job

me: health angel

interviewer: oh so you worked at like a spa

me: no thilly, I drove a motorthycle

Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves…

They should just put something in the water so we all sleep for 14 days.

It would be way faster and I could use a two week nap. I swear to god I should just be in charge of everything.

Bond. Trauma bond.

The worst things in life are free, too. Like, gonorrhea, chapped elbows and flyers left on your windshield.

“I do so like green eggs and ham. Thank you! Thank you, Salmonella-I-am.”
– The breakfast that inspired Dr Seuss

In my experience, bowling and pancakes have the same energy.

High hopes at the beginning, lowered self-esteem at the end.

I set out a suitcase to pack for my flight later today and spotted my 3 year old crawling inside it to hide. I casually zipped it up, yelled “I’M OFF TO THE AIRPORT, EVERYBODY!”, and carried it to the car. I’ve circled the block twice and my luggage hasn’t stopped laughing.

I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.

Me: Says here you’re a house flipper. So you renovate and resell them, huh?

A tornado: ≋N≋o≋

[end of date]
Him: I’ll text you soon.
Her: Cool. I’ll just sit here in your car until you do.

I made my 9 year old french toast with syrup this morning per his request but promptly found out that he thought the fork and knife I provided were just a fun suggestion so anyway how do you get maple syrup off pants?

[my first day in a drug cartel]
kingpin: where’s the coke
me: is pepsi ok? hehe
[later]
police: this is the most bullet holes we’ve ever seen in a single body

Did this writing exercise where you write 300 words about a place without using any adjectives. It’s actually pretty easy if you’re not sure what an adjective is.

My son calls them “please cars” because any time I speed past a cop he hears me mutter “please don’t pull me over!”

*continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*

Terminally online people getting ready to drop the VP pick in the group chat the second it’s announced.

“Okay Nancy, try it now.”