Bi women make the best comedians because we can never keep a straight face.
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Little known fact: Arizona’s state flower is pavement.
Dear God,
Laying an egg once a month would have been preferable. Thanks for nothing.
~ All women
Last minute gift idea:
Give someone a bucket of water and tell them your sorry their ice sculpture melted
Teach your kids about gambling by letting them lick floors
HOT SINGLE GRANNIES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOU TO LOOK AT HOW TALL YOU’VE GOTTEN
Why do I have to work today? I worked yesterday! What more could you possibly want from me.
Me to my first grade class: Everyone please close your eyes for a minute.
6yo: Did you forget to put on your deodorant again?
Yelling at your kid when they’re your height just hits different.
Halloween and Valentine’s day are pretty much the same thing… people dress up and pretend to be someone they’re not for some sugar
How can anyone focus on world peace when we can’t even get everyone to use the same date format?
My husband just bought ice cream with raisins. So, that was a fun marriage.
If you’re happy and you know it… wash your hands.
So the US is to send 3000 troops to help combat ebola.
Does anyone else get the feeling they don’t know what ebola is?
*co-worker approaching elevator*
*I try to hit “close door” button*
*I miss, hit “open door”*
Co-worker: thanks for holding it
Me: Of course
My kid once got out of bed and Irish step danced down the hall in her sleep. Which I guess was odd but tbh I was just relieved she wasn’t in my bed kicking me.
Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?
Me: Absolutely not.
Boss: You were gone 7 hours to smoke?
Me: Well yeah. It was a brisket.
7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”
Going on a trip to see a regular canyon. I feel like the Grand Canyon is trying too hard.
don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning crab linguine
8: When’s dad’s birthday?
Me: June 28
8: 2000 what?
Me: You mean 19…1984
8: 19? WOW
Whenever an overnight guest is using a spare toothbrush at my house I always walk in and ask them if they’ve seen my butthole scrubber.
Happy 14th Anniversary to skipping school to go see MacGruber & the lady asking us to see ID and then saying “nevermind, anyone who’s under 17 would be in high school right now and who would skip school to go see MacGruber??” We laughed along with her and walked right in.
When someone points at your black clothes and asks whose funeral it is,
having a look around the room and saying ‘Haven’t decided yet’ is typically a good response.
BREAKING: Jennifer Lawrence taking 2-year break from acting.
Vin Diesel is also taking a break from acting, but will keep making movies.
16yo [talking w friend]: fam that’s lit af, tell bae and the squad that it’s on fleek
PARENT: *calls 911* i think my kid’s having a seizure
Missionary, so we can keep arguing
wordle is a big pharma conspiracy to sell us more ibuprofen
Three tips to stay young looking: drink water, wear sunscreen every day, remember every personal slight