Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Saw lady reading my book & was gonna say hi but I’m wearing the same shirt as in author photo & didn’t want her to think I only had 1 shirt.

Four Worst Feelings Ever:

4. Losing your job
3. Romantic break up
2. Death of a loved one
1. Needing to pee when you’re stuck in traffic

Is your ice cube tray listening to your family’s conversations? Find out next week on No! It’s! Not!

My retirement plan is basically these 10 scratch off lottery games.

* scratches *

Damn.

Ok, 9 scratch off lottery games…..

If it turns cold one more time I’m gonna put the Christmas tree back up

[police show picture of my dead body at bottom of stairs to wife]
“Why no pants on?”
We think he tried to jump into his pants & fell

I have such a bad cold that when I breathe through my nose, it sounds like Marge Simpson sighing/expressing disapproval.

*gets naked*
*gets baked*
*doesn’t get why they don’t rhyme*

Caveman: “So what do you call it?”
Caveman2: “I call it burny light.”
Caveman: “that’s terrible. You’re fired from the naming committee.”
Caveman2 “wait… say that again…”

Croatia-France sounds like a 19th century war to decide which cousin the crown prince is forced to marry.

New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.

I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 726

tamagotchi my fitbit
owners
🤝
trying to keep a weird
little guy alive

Man: a pack of condoms please.

Cashier: would you like a paper bag?

Man: no thanks, she’s pretty good looking.

The grass in my backyard is growing flowers which means I am either really good or really bad at taking care of my yard.

[First day as a crime scene photographer]

Detective: please stop telling the corpse to “work it”

Food just tastes better upside-down
1. upside-down cake
2. hamburgers
3. not cereal tho
4. oh no cereal is everywhere
5. why did I do this

My 2 year old just figured out how to block light from getting in her eyes using her hands and now she’s verbally taunting the sun. I appreciate her moxie, but a literal star war with a nuclear reactor 330,000 times the size of the Earth is the LAST thing we need right now.

Just saved two ants from drowning in the pool, so I assume they’re rushing back to their colony to tell everyone they were lifted to safety by the giant hand of god.

Jesus, take the wheel.

Carlos, you take the stereo & I’ll take lookout.

Just walked into my local court house, they were all sitting around in a circle with black candles and robes trying to summon a jury #funny

Warning: objects in your rear may feel larger than they they appear.

Satan: *to a huge audience* Welcome to the end of days

One guy who hates calendars: Finally

Me: I wish I never had to go outside

Me after listening to 10 minutes of NPR: I bet I could milk a goat, for I am so knowledgeable in such things

being a pirate is so easy…I can do it standing on one leg

Imagine my surprise at the school Thanksgiving “costume” party, when I showed up as Poison Ivy and everyone else was dressed as pilgrims.

Remember when you were small & all you wanted was a pony but your parents were high on meth & thought the house was already full of ponies?

Me: God, please stop giving me your toughest battles

God: you literally just have to empty the dishwasher

My family was totally confused tonight because there’s a candle lit that smells like a cake is baking without burning

I don’t do that

What did Jay-Z call Beyoncé before they got married?

Feyoncé…