bias laundering edition
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My pet toddler is scratching at the door again.
When my mother calls with a computer problem, I tell her to try shutting it off and turning it back on in 6 months.
professor X: what’s your power?
me:
professor X: wow, me too, you’re in.
“Sir how did you survive the snowmageddon?”
“I stayed in”
“Oh”
*makes sure kids are asleep*
*walks out to car*
*slowly unwraps candy bar*
*hears knock on window*
*puts head down*
*hands it to them*
One of my headlights is messed up and I have to give it a smack to turn it on so it’s kinda like dating.
I bet the frankincense guy was all like, “Let’s put the three items in one gift basket and the basket can be from all of us.”
My youngest son hid a Ziploc bag of Froot Loops in his pajama drawer so that he wouldn’t miss out on the “good cereal” if he woke up late tomorrow, in case you wondered what growing up in a big family is like.
That lamp looks PISSED.
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
My husband went for a “quick nap” so after an hour I sent the kids upstairs with a recorder, harmonica and tambourine to play that song he likes
My wife’s job is to announce our exit is two miles away when we pass a big sign that says our exit is two miles away.
lot going on here, legally speaking.
me: god made me weak because he feared what i could do
my wife’s boyfriend: it’s okay bud, you loosened the jar for me
Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.
The year is 2020. Hip hop has fully merged with dubstep, creating the genre of music known as Dubhop. All hope for mankind is lost
confuse your coworkers today by telling them you’re going to the restroom to do a “number 3”
Play was awful. Only applauded to save Tinkerbell
To my American friends: On Sunday, don’t forget to set your clocks back one hour. On Tuesday, try not to set your country back 50 years.
when I go to parties I always bring my own plunger
Sometimes I like to think that at the end of a long day, the chips and dip in my kitchen see me and think, “We thought you’d never come back for us!”
Me: I would like to summon my daughter and feel her presence once more.
Psychic: Okay. We ask for the daughter to come down and —
Daughter: I’M IN MY ROOM, MOM!
Mom always said to wear clean underwear in case I got hit by a bus and I’m like “they wouldn’t be clean anyway mom!”
No one
Drivers in NC: The light’s only just turned red; I should definitely run it.
my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot
I will never feel sorry for people who complain about getting screwed in their divorce.
Hell, I can’t even get screwed in my marriage.
I’m pretty anal when it comes to organizing my house.
Like how I slid in “anal”?
Like how I said “slid in anal”?
Wife: Don’t forget we have plans tonight.
Me: I thought we were going to watch the game?
Wife: We? Do you have a mouse in your pocket?
Whispers to the mouse in my pocket: Maybe you should take the jersey off and put on your casual outfit…
Boss: “I want it on my desk by 9 on Monday”
Me: “Say no more”
[Monday]
Boss: “Where’s my report?”
Me: “Shhh”