bias laundering edition
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You may hate the thought of moles, warts and skin tags but after a while, they grow on you.
BREAKING NEWS: 23 injured while running with bulls. Authorities say injuries happened because folks were stupid enough to run… with bulls.
deeply unfair of people to assume I have my life together just because I’m boring
Remind me again … how many glasses of wine does it take to cook a turkey?
a cool magic trick woud be if a magiciam puts their hand in a hat & sombody wearin a hat in the audience sudenly feels a hand on their head
Cabin 1: *coughs
Cabin 2: What’s the matter with him?
Cabin 3: Cabin Fever.
Me: Do you like my novel?
Publisher: it’s a tree
Me: I told you it was in the early stages
Me: You want to see me rip a phone book in half?
Kid: What’s a phone book?
Finally a use for spoilers…
you are so beautiful without makeup.
-my husband, after he saw i spent $62 on an eyeshadow.
I’ll wear a neckerchief but I’m not calling it that.
Tubi just be putting anything on here… I just saw me walking by. 🤦🏽♀️
The first person to eat a fortune cookie probably ate the paper too, which is unfortunate
*sees girl at bar*
Hey baby, wanna get outta here?
“Sure!”
Good, you’re really killing the vibe.
therapist: whats the problem?
me: i keep having a reoccurring dream where there are five of me and we’re all yellow.
therapist: sounds like you’re bananas
Being eaten by zombies sounds less painful than running away from zombies.
[ first day as a villain ]
him: hi, how are you
me: very evil, thank you
Just know that if I pretend my hand is a gun and I start playing Russian roulette I’m not really listening anymore.
Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.
2yr old has discovered how to undress himself, and now I live with a nudist
Husband: I can’t find the remote. Are you sitting on it again?
Me: No.
Husband: Stand up.
Me: I don’t want to.
Husband: Why?
Me: Because I’m probably sitting on the remote.
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Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain.
Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.
Oh thanks BBC.
Me: No work tomorrow so I’m sleeping in.
Kids: LOL
Dog: LOL
Brain: LOL
Bladder: LOL
I have to fast for 48 hours for my upcoming colonoscopy. My husband is not having a colonoscopy, but he will be fasting for 48 hours as well. He just doesn’t know it yet.
[jungle]
Detective: I’d like to ask you some questions about a recent jewel heist.
Ring-tailed lemur: This is profiling.
HIM: Are you mad at me?
ME: No.
HIM: Well you’re playing Sims again and removed the ladder to the pool while an avatar that looks remarkably like me drowns.
ME: So? That’s how you play The Sims.
Me: [adjusting cargo shorts] These babies are built for performance.
My wife: You’ve been sitting on the couch watching football all day
Me: [pulling a small container of bean dip out of one pocket and a bag of tortilla chips out of another] Was a question in there somewhere?