bias laundering edition
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Kid: Can I eat candy for breakfast?
Me: No of course not! Now finish your donuts.
ME: Diligently sanitizing countertops, faucets, door knobs, light switches, remote controls, phones, hands,
ALSO ME: Eating a piece of a Kit Kat I dropped on the floor because wasting chocolate? In these times?
The homework is due on Monday.
“Can I get an extension?”
The homework is due on Monday.png
Nature abhors a vacuum.
Nature isn’t too fond of leaf blowers either. And don’t even get Nature started on car alarms.
[smallpox]
Only 1890’s kids will get this
Date: I usually go for the most annoying people possible
Me: actually I just listened to a podcast about that..
Date: *starts playing with hair* oh really
Me: They say God gives the hardest battles to his strongest warriors.
God: I am begging you to stop fighting with people on the internet.
What’s up with all these idiots on TV trying to talk to ghosts? I don’t even wanna talk to the living.
When a copywriter is asked to make a headline “punchier,” that’s both a description of what the requester wants and how they make us feel.
*spins in circles*
*dies*
*gets stuck in corner*
*dies*
*spins in circle*
*dies*
[Me playing Call of Duty with my son]
Just saw an advance screening of Age of Ultron. Spoiler alert: he’s 47
It’s settled. I’m measuring everything in comparison to the size of an American alligator.
Leaving the beach yesterday I said to myself ‘don’t leave your phone on the roof of the car, woman’.
Long story short, someone found my phone on the side of the road and just returned it to me
Miss 10 is making her bed upstairs.
[Sound of sellotape ripping]
Who him? Oh that’s just jimmy, I pay him to follow me around and inter-
*saxophone solo*
INTERRUPT MY SENTENCES WITH SAXOPHONE SOLOS.
“Help yourself!”
– people who don’t want to help you
growing up, nothing was ever more unsettling than when you were at a friend’s house and found out they had weird names for their grandparents. who the f*** is gum-gum
I also bought this ice cream today, partially because I wanted ice cream and partially because it made me laugh.
As a woman I personally am looking forward to aging. I seriously cannot wait to use my senior discount at the diner, dye my white hair the same pink as Frenchie from Grease, & put tennis balls on my walker. I’m just gonna be so good at being old.
You buy eight gift bags once, and exchange them back and forth with your family forever.
12: My favorite band is Green Day
Grandpa: Who the hell is green dog?
Me: Clifford’s cousin
My boss has stopped letting me leave early for my son’s Little League games ever since he learned he’s in his second year of college.
*raises hand* is it bc of the gravity
Women,
If you could just go ahead, get a plane & spell it out in the sky for us, that’d be greeeat.
Sincerely,
Men
Her: In case you’re interested, I’m dying.
Me: Then I’ll only set one place for dinner.
She got mad because she said don’t come in the house with those dirty shoes on so I took them off, how was I supposed to know my socks were just as bad.
I got a head start on decorating for Halloween by not dusting the last six months.
“I’m over 40 and I stretched.”
-me, explaining why I can’t move my back
With grape soda comes grape responsibility.
If you’re going to the hospital for a covid-19 test make sure you bring with you a valid form of identification along with a printout of your IMDB page and/or your Basketball Reference stats