bible: love thy enemy
me: loves carbohydrates
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I can take 15 years off my appearance by stealing your glasses.
[first date]
Bruce Wayne: “please tell me you’re a dog person, i’m so done with cat women”
Crossover ideas
– 50 Shades of Grey’s Anatomy
– Tiger King and I
– Orange is the New Black Mirror
– Captain Marvellous Mrs Maisel
– Breaking Bad Boys
[Awards ceremony]
“And winner of ‘The Most Unusual Name of the Year’ goes to… drum roll please…”Drumroll Please: “Thanks so much!”
Teachers: You can’t write an essay in a night. Exam: Write an essay in two hours.
Awwww finally got my nose pierced this morning.
Never fight over a bus seat with an old lady who’s knitting.
I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet
Chameleon wife: “Does my bum look big in this dress?”
Chameleon husband: “What dress? Where are you?”
My son has stolen my iPad to play minecraft. Please retweet this so the notifications disrupt his playing.
If you’re into audio you’re an Audiophile.
If you love French culture you’re a Francophile.
This is why I can’t get involved with PETA.
Someone had to say it 🤷♂️
A good prank if you’re in line behind a baby at Starbucks and the mother isn’t paying attention is to give the baby a thousand dollars
My son found me crying in the kitchen, wrapped his arms around me and whispered, “Is it because of your hair?” Now I’m crying for two reasons.
Anyone who thinks sorry is the hardest word to say has clearly never tried speaking Welsh.
*cuts up plastic rings so no hypothetical animal will choke on them*
*will not hold the elevator for a single person, ever*
[during sex]
her: call me names
me: george
For the fourth year in a row my 9yo asked for a go-cart for Christmas. They’re only $1500, he says.
Don’t worry, everyone, he said we don’t have to get him anything else. Just the go-cart will be fine.
Cool shirt 🙂
[finds money in jacket]
nice
[finds more money in pants]
Today is my day. On a roll
Boss: will you please take my jacket & pants off?
“I’m almost at the end of my childhood and pretty soon I’ll be a teenager”, my 6yo, trying to ruin my day, apparently
how about no fine and just a warning for the first offense
Like seashell soaps, my Ferrero Rocher are decorative.
Me grinning like a jackass with my luggage labelled “ wayward son” and waiting for them to ask checked bag or carry-on
(Face painter at kid’s birthday party): …and what shall I paint on your face?
Me: Enthusiasm.
[being buried alive]
murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly
[about to message girl he likes]
Me: I should just talk to her like I would anyone else. Be myself. And not act stupid.
Brain: OR
Why can’t they use deep fake technology for good instead of evil? Like taking zoom meetings for you. Stuff like that.
I work in manufacturing. A guy is downstairs adjusting a machine, and apparently someone brought him the wrong parts. I just heard him yell, “Your nuts are too small! Gary has some extra. Go grab his nuts!”
[first date that up until now is going extremely well]
date: it’s nice to finally meet a normal guy
me: my dog’s name is jeff
I’m uncomfortable around tall people. what if they pick me up and put me on their shoulders