Bible Study with my dad when i was kid:
“But Papa, why is having frogs everywhere such a bad thing?”
*Talking about 10 plagues of Eygpt*
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[Zoo]
Visitor: “I like that cage labelled ‘World’s most dangerous animal’ and it’s just got a mirror in it”
Zookeeper: “Yup, thought-provoking stuff. *Whispering into phone* The leopard’s escaped again”
“I want us to exercise together and eat more salads”, I said, turning to the spouse-shaped cartoon hole in the wall.
I accidentally went to Homesense today and accidentallier bought Christmas decorations
My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.
Have kids, they said.
why do people say “he died in a bungee jumping accident”? it’s not an accident. he dove headfirst off a bridge connected only by an elastic cord. it’s an accident if he survives. say “he died while bungee jumping, obviously”
Getting out of bed the other night to go pee and the monster grabbed my leg, he said I can’t live like this anymore tell your wife to get rid of all these damn boxes under here.
I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter
This painting is titled:
Would It Hurt You To Put The Dirty Bowl In The Dishwasher?
Make up for past mistakes by frequently repeating them in new and astonishing ways.
A guy at the bar wanted to watch a different college football game than what was on TV and the bartender told him he couldn’t change the channel because he couldn’t find the remote. I said, yeah the remote’s important, it’s a real game changer and that’s when I was asked to leave
People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.
The second date went downhill fast when I showed up with a scrapbook of our first date.
Everyone thinks it’s so funny if my 2yr old rips her dress off at a bday party but if I do it then it’s “inappropriate” & “we need to talk.”
COP: *drawing chalk outline around victim*
ME: what’s that for?
COP: seriously?
ME:
COP: I think it’s to keep out ants
the best advice i ever received was from george costanza when he said that if you look annoyed people think you’re busy
[looking down from heaven]
darwin: 5 bucks on ladder guy
angel: i’ll take the one on the ground
darwin: 10 if it’s both
angel: you’re on
Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.
**You’re through to 911, dial 1 for human cops, dial 2 for lobster cops**
[smashes 2 frantically while crayfish tries to break down my door]
Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can’t do is pick up it’s own poop. You’re just a poop collector.
If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.
Nobody loves a thunderstorm more than a teenager who promised to mow the lawn today.
Being a consultant would be fun. Like “hmmm… maybe! Here’s your invoice.”
Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-
Me: I have a grandma.
Me: Now remember, just let me do all the talking.
Wife:
Marriage counselor:
Me: I think we’ve made a lot of progress here today.
[Ouija board]
O spirits, let me talk to m-
C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I
*squints*
What the heck?
A 3G board?
Password insecurity questions:
1. What was your highschool nickname? 2. How would you describe your breath? 3. What’s wrong with your toes?
Calling someone a drama queen is so negative. Why not “content creator”?
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup
ROLLERCOASTER ATTENDANT: Please remain seated in the cars. No standing.
ME (already decapitated):