Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Before you get involved with another person, ask yourself: Is this someone I can see myself cropping out of pictures later?

comedy isn’t about making people laugh. it’s about asking people in the front row, who politely sat there despite not wanting to, what their favorite sexual position is and then mocking them regardless of their answer before posting that interaction on every conceivable platform

About to watch Tenet for the first time and I enjoyed it

You never need to ask if there’s something in my pocket. I’m never happy to see anyone.

Him: Why are you watching WWE all of a sudden?

Me: I’m trying to learn new holds for when I have to floss the kids’ teeth

Women do not want to hear what you think..

They want to hear what they think..

In a deeper voice……

Omg, autocorrect! For the millionth time, I don’t hate all those birches…

dispatch, i’m on scene here in the woods. victims name is fudd. damnedest thing i ever seen. his rifle’s bent so the barrel was pointin back at him. witness said a rabbit run off right after the shot. yeah his head is off at the shoulders, clean. get me next of kin if ya can.

i did a little research on why weekends are only two days long and it turns out people made that up. wtf people

In the event of a global sauce packet shortage, my junk drawer will reign supreme.

the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds

I asked my kid if his room was clean and that little shit cackled and asked Alexa if it was “Stupid Question Day”

I started calling all three of my children by their last name. You’d think that would increase my chances of one of them acknowledging me, but you’d be wrong.

Just watched my husband flick a stink bug from the ottoman and I am not okay.

How many bugs have just been relocated and not removed?!?

When a woman suddenly shuts up, a man can hear the theme from Psycho discreetly playing in the background.

I won a chocolate bunny at the carnival but it was a hollow victory.

I want to make fun of kanye but I’m always losing my shit on the internet too.
It feels mighty hypocritical.

you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”

“This almost never happens,” I apologise to my date as the gates of hell open up and a kangaroo hops out.

I never thought I’d be someone who complains about the quality of the prosciutto on his charcuterie board but here I am…

“Oh sure, they can eat their own poop, no problem. They just CAN’T eat chocolate. It’ll kill them.” – God inventing dogs.

I could totally be a squirrel matador. Possibly.

It’s very 2024 because I was just so impressed with how thick that store’s checkout bags are. I was like, “Such nice bags. Oh wow. So sturdy! Usually plastic bags are like tissue paper thin. These, now THESE bags are some serious bags. They can HOLD stuff. These are for me? Wow”

Me: No one told me raising a baby would be sooo hard 😰

My baby:

If you had asked me what the hardest part of battling a global pandemic would be I would have never guessed, “teaching elementary school math.”

James Woods is suing someone for $10,000,000 because they said he’s a coke addict. When asked why so much, Woods replied “Coke’s expensive.”

If you’re being attacked don’t yell ”HELP” yell ”FREE CUPCAKES”

Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”

hi. the. headline. wants. you. to. be. mad. that’s. how. it. makes. money.
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