Bible Study with my dad when i was kid:
“But Papa, why is having frogs everywhere such a bad thing?”
*Talking about 10 plagues of Eygpt*
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YOU CAN’T BUY HOT POCKETS YOU CAN ONLY BUY COLD POCKETS YOU ARE EXPECTED SUPPLY THE HEAT YOURSELF DONT BELIEVE THE LIES.
[couples therapy]
ME: She thinks I make bad decisions
WIFE: He traded our car for a skateboard
THERAPIST: *writing notes* This guy rules
I may not be the hottest woman on Earth but I like my chances up against anyone currently aboard the International Space Station
Her: I bought a wireless bra today.
Him: What’s the password?
Enters supermarket with a long list.
Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.
I asked my kid if his room was clean and that little shit cackled and asked Alexa if it was “Stupid Question Day”
Guy in Car: get out of my way idiot
Guy in Crosswalk: pedestrians have the right of way
Car Guy: this ain’t Pedestria buddy this is America
“GO TO YOUR ROOM AND STAY THERE”
KID: *goes kicking and screaming*
TEEN: You can’t do this, I have plans tonight
ADULT: Thank you so much
[murders Aquaman with some super absorbent paper towels]
My crush suddenly stopped texting me today. Either she is in the gravest of danger or she spontaneously decided she hates my guts. Those are literally the only two things that could have happened.
Your body is like Wonderbread…
Your body is a Rubberband…
Your body is like Disneyland…John Mayer first drafts.
ME: it’s like we never see eye to eye
MY VESTIGIAL TWIN: lol that would be super weird
If we keep building giant walls at the border to Mexico it’s only a matter of time before natural selection gives us giant Mexicans.
succession fans be like “the next episode is gonna be CRAZY” and the episode in question is “sign this piece of paper” “no”
“Shhhhh it’s sleeping”
I whisper while closing the door on my laundry pile
I tuxedo what I tuxewant.
ME: I’m afraid I don’t have enough to make rent. Maybe there’s some *bites my bottom lip seductively*…. other sort of arrangement we can come up with.
FRIEND: Dude, this is why no one likes playing Monopoly with you.
Accurate
“Are you a cop? You have to tell me if you’re a cop.”
“I’m a cop.”
“So you’re a cop AND a gun dealer? Random, but okay let’s do this shit”
Ugh! You. Are. A. Terrible. Kisser.
If your looking for my tonsils, I had them taken out when I was 8…
Bootstraps
[Thanksgiving dinner]
WIFE: These potatoes are burnt to a crisp
ME: Those are for tomorrow
WIFE: Because…tomorrow is Bla-
ME: Black Fry Day
Italians keep plastic on their couches because it’s easier to clean up the murder scene
HAMMOND: and then I extract the dinosaur blood from the mosquitoes
DR. GRANT: are you gonna use it to clone them?
HAMMOND: *takes sip from trex blood smoothie* use it to what?
ME: (throwing my car keys to the valet) Run me over real quick, chief.
*good cop/bad cop interrogation*
*good cop is nice to the suspect*
*bad cop shoots good cop and sets suspect free*
man he’s a bad cop
It’s been four days since I started this rap battle. I’m tired and just want to see my family.
If you think today’s generation spend too much time playing video games, you should see how much time my generation spent just waiting for the games to load.
If you’re faking your own death don’t use Google. They always check your Google searches. Use Bing. That’s what it’s for man.