Bible Study with my dad when i was kid:
“But Papa, why is having frogs everywhere such a bad thing?”
*Talking about 10 plagues of Eygpt*
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Was at the park with the baby, and another parent pointed to a kid doing cartwheels and said, “Remember when we could do that at that age?”
Lady, I was icing my knees after recess when I was 7.
the biggest red flag in a relationship to me is when a partner tries to open the mysterious locked closet in my study with the doorknob that’s always somehow freezing cold after i’ve explicitly forbidden them from doing so! that or they like a movie that i don’t like
Astrology isn’t real. Oh wait- I share a birthday with Lizzie Borden? Okay, that checks out.
Runners who don’t win the race suffer defeet.
Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear
Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes
[robbing a bank]
Partner: let’s go we’re running out of time
Me: *furiously shoving lollipops in a duffel bag* almost done!
My boss: hey you got a sec?
Me: I have all the secs
Boss: what?
Me: what?
I’ve reached the point in my life where I’m ready for a life partner. But I’d probably be just as content with a cheeseburger.
These doctor forms keep asking how often I fall down…
…it’s like they’ve been tailing me.
Before & after 😅
A bear went into a bar.
“I’d like a whiskey…….
and coke.”
Bartender asks “why the long pause?”
Bear says “oh, I was born with them”.
Coworker: crazy weather we’re having
Me: [as loud as possible] SHARON FOR THE LAST TIME I WILL NOT KILL YOUR HUSBAND FOR A BAG OF REDVINES
One of the hardest things I’ve ever done as a parent is hold back crying laughter while telling my kid not to refer to Aquaman as Seaman.
[quietly] “Always a bridesmaid never the bride”
BRIDE: Hey, you’re not one of my bridesmaids!
“Shhh…this day is about you, not me.”
6 year old wouldn’t drink out of my cup because she doesn’t want my “DNA”. Should I tell her?
yeah i can totally shred on the guitar do you want romaine lettuce or cheese
If you ever want your phone to ring just try to take a nap, it’s science
Who said Humpty Dumpty was an egg at any point in that little song! The artist just sat there like “lol i’m gonna f*** with them and draw him as an egg”
V-Day Single: “I am missing out on so much joy.”
V-Day, Dating: *stresses out over finding the perfect gift*
V-Day Married: “We should probably, like, go out or something.”
V-Day Married w/ Kids: “You need how many valentines? For people who can’t even read yet? By when?”
How do you stop a rhino from charging?
You take away its USB cable.
Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.
Two guys in the airport bar are amazed a margherita pizza has no alcohol in it and they’re the reason you can’t leave bags unattended.
Well well well, if it isn’t the bridge I said I’d burn when I came to it…
I’ve decided to go out on the street tonight.
Can’t wait to be chased by the police.
At least a man will finally be chasing me.
I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
It doesn’t qualify as a murder mystery unless the detective describes the crime in detail, turns to the least likely person in the room and says, “but you probably already knew that… didn’t you?”
I don’t know anything about soccer, but I hope they win.
Go Soccers!
Christmas adverts: “Eat all the food! Drink all the drink! Spoil yourself! It’s Christmas!”
New year adverts: “Look at what you’ve done to yourself, you fat sack of shit”
Date: Have you ever been to an animal hospital?
Me: No *imagines a dog holding a stethoscope* but I want to