Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I cannot call her anything else now

Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home.

Maybe Tailgate wants to be banged. Did you ask? You don’t know.

standing over the sink eating leftovers with my dad like we are two bears that just broke into someones home

“How about if the villain is a psychopath out to make a skin suit?”
– Not in a kids movie, dude.
“Ok, but it’s puppy skin?”
– Oh, then YES!

is this meant to deter me

[Meeting friends baby]
Me: [bouncing him on my knee] he’s a big boy isn’t he
Friend: yeah he was 11 pounds
Me: wow that’s cheap

*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*

Okay, weigh me now.

I wonder if the guy I’m interviewing knows this isn’t for a cologne model position.

💀

The only thing worse than finding a hair in your food is realizing that the person who prepared it has a bald head.

If life’s a video game I’m controlled by grandma

We were walking out of Costco when we saw this baby eat the receipt before they got out. The mom’s look was just like, oh no

Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday

I grilled a chicken for two hours.

It still wouldn’t tell me why it crossed the road…

“I’m still a virgin”

-theres plenty of fish in the sea

“Ur right. I’ll find someone”

-no, I mean u should give up & be a lonely fisherman

Once my wife accidentally put in the wrong gate code to get into my parents neighborhood. The guy who answered was extremely rude and made both her and my daughter cry. I now purposely put in his code every time I visit just to make his phone ring.

An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.

Missionary so I can look him in the eyes and ask him why Ashley from work is texting him with heart eyes.

*Cocks Gun* ” Any last requests?”
“Yes, do not shoot me with that gun.”
“Oh you!! Ya got me go ahead get outta here”!

It’s cute how my family thinks I’m playing with fire and I’m just trying to cook them breakfast

Priest: “We are gathered here today to mourn the passing of-

*looks at the casket suspiciously*

Erwin Schrödinger.”

you’re suing Gatorade because you mixed red and yellow and it didn’t taste like orange?
me: not even a little bit your honor

Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.

Your 20s: I will strive for goodness and peace in this troubled world.

Your 40s: Every single chair is terrible.

If the person driving right in front of me comes to a complete stop at a stop sign, I’m like “that was enough for the both of us.”

Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.

By far the dumbest thing I’ve made

Found her drawer full of personal massage devices.

Poor thing. Her back must be killing her. Anyone know a good chiropractor?

Today a man asked me if the bird tattoo on my shoulder was a hummingbird and I said it’s a magpie and he asked “oh black billed or yellow billed?” HEY YOU KNOW WHAT JEREMY YOU CAN’T NOT KNOW A HUMMINGBIRD FROM A MAGPIE ONE MINUTE THEN CRED CHECK ME THE NEXT OKAY?