Bigfoot’s whole body is big. he should be called Bigbody
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i used to enjoy weather like “sunny” or rainy” or cloudy” i’m glad that 2023 is showing us that it can innovate and give us weather like “smoke”
The way I dealt with that unexpected cobweb to the face tells me I probably wouldn’t have been much use in Vietnam.
“Murder most fowl!” I scream as the cops pull me away from the many duck corpses. They explain I misunderstood Hamlet while arresting me.
Wearing my lesbian boots today. Well, they’re faux lesbian. I don’t believe in using lesbians for leather, even if they’re farm-raised.
Surround yourself with people who will groom your eyebrows should you ever become comatose
wife: [angrily getting up from table] can we please buy a bed?!
*Babysitting my 7 year old nephew*
My sister: And don’t let him eat too much junk food. And don’t let him talk to strangers. And don’t let him stay up too late watching scary movies.
My nephew: Ok i’ll try.
[at Starbucks]
Barista: Coffee?
Me: Yes, a medium please
Coffee: I’m strongly sensing the presence of your great grand aunt Lucille
nurse: she’s dead
me: let’s see SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
[Christmas Party]
*opening my gifts*
Well well well, if it isn’t the festive scarf I gave you 3 Christmases ago
If u want to sound smart just make up coding languages. Like “yeah I know DeltaCube, 17v and Amorph,” literally nobody will know theyre fake
Me: Take my pic *hands him camera & giggles*
Him: What’s funny?
Me: Nothing.
Him: *presses button, explodes, dies*
Me: Ha! Photo bombed!
My dog’s dinner: pork tenderloin, quinoa, and kale
My dinner: 12-15 mini chocolate donuts
Which is heavier, the collected works of Shakespeare or a prison full of inmates? The prose outweighs the cons.
my son and I accidentally ended up on different teams in laser tag and every time I shot him he said “wow” in a dramatic disappointed voice
“Can I get a umm…”
-every person ever at the drive thru
[being taken hostage]
*tearing up* it’s so nice to have someone take an interest
You know you had yourself a weekend when the kids wake up Monday morning in the same pajamas you put them in Friday night.
Cause of death: Very rough shirt tag
This new sauté pan and I have vastly different definitions of non stick.
I just responded to a text message with: I can’t hear you, you’re breaking up
On the street or subway you can only imagine what that idiot is thinking. On Twitter, you get to see what that idiot is thinking.
Fool me once shame on you.
Fool me twice I’m buying a potato gun.
Friend Who I Haven’t Seen in a While: your kid’s gotten so big! what is he, four?
Me: i have no idea what he’s for
The entire premise of Scooby Doo was if you’re scary enough people will leave you the hell alone to pursue your passion. It’s been a guiding principle of my adult life.
Me: gets up, wakes kids, empties dishwasher, makes lunches, helps make kid beds, does kids’ hair, makes breakfast for everyone, showers, makes coffee, does laundry
Hubs:
No matter how powerless you feel, just think to yourself, one single pubic hair off of your body can shut down an entire restaurant.
If Ann Coulter is tweeting then who’s guarding Azkaban?
If you want to suddenly be surrounded by small children & animals, crinkle a candy wrapper.
I’m a lady of science at least that’s what my horoscope said