biblically accurate fire hydrant
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oh you’re playing music at the beach?? you think your taste in music is superior to poseidon’s 24/7 ambient mixtape???
If you answer the right answer on a “wrong answer only” post, didn’t you technically follow the instructions?
Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.
I have a black belt in leather
Protip: If you refer to yourself as “someone” when explaining something bad that happened, your wife will always know that “someone” is you.
No, he would not have.
Is there a Twitter acronym for “Ur screenshot tweet is really funny, but my anxiety about ur phone battery % prevents me from enjoying it”?
ROBIN: You didn’t name everything in the bathroom after you, too, did you?
BATMAN: Of course not
ROBIN:
BATMAN: OK, yes, there’s batshampoo
ROBIN:
BATMAN: But there’s also conditioner gordon
Do you think the courtroom bench ever comes loose and the judge is like “wait I actually have the tool for this”
i turned 40 and suddenly i can’t see shit if i drive at night and it’s raining. Is the lane still there? Idk. Did the road disappear? Idk. Am I even on the road anymore? Nope.
FBI AGENT: You’ll be put into witness protection
ME: Can I be someone that has friends?
FBI AGENT: No, it has to be believable.
kidnappers: get in the car
me: i want to sit in front
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
“have you seen the gas prices?” no man i drive with my eyes closed because it’s scary
Him: *seeing my apartment for the first time* I see you’re kind of a minimalist
Me: yes that is correct, I am very poor
*jumps on a haystack
*lands on a needle
I wear tap shoes to a restaurant on a first date, that way in case he tries to murder me the news outlets can say she was last heard wearing tap shoes.
King: You name me madman, despot, tyrant. But how much blood stains YOUR hands, boy? They will hate you as they hated me. Do it then. If you would strike me down and claim my throne, do it! Do it and be done!
*raising sword*
Burger Prince: Very well, father. Have it your way.
When I talk about “my old man” I’m referring to my 19yo son who likes to wake up early, make coffee, check the news and comment “we’ve really needed this rain” while wearing his robe.
Carp we hit an iceberg!
What am I herring? This scampi true!
Whale I squid you not
Oh cod I can’t die
Waterboat me? You’re so shellfishFin
Blood is thicker than water, but maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
Nobody:
Dog: OMG HE LOOKED IN THE GENERAL DIRECTION OF MY LEASH WE’RE GOING FOR A WALK I’M READY C’MON LET’S GO NOW PUT YOUR SHOES ON NOW HERE LET ME HELP I HAVE YOUR SOCK OK LET’S GO WALK!!!
My husband just reminded me that we have fish sticks which is awesome because I was worried I didn’t have anything to pack my kids for lunch that they wouldn’t eat
The Cut is a psyop that was created so that whenever society feels extremely divided, we will receive a perfectly timed personal essay from someone so terrible, we will drop all our quarrels and come together for the purpose of cyberbullying them into oblivion.
Slapping the TV remote on your knee extends the battery life.
It’s science.
I’ve broken all my New Year’s Resolutions so now I’m moving on to laws of nature.
My dad told my mom he’d never divorce her because he doesn’t want her that happy.
We put a lot of faith in teenagers who control the rollercoasters at amusement parks. A bad breakup between Tommy and “Princess” Cameron could be the difference between fun and “I don’t think we’re supposed to go around 17 times in a row.”