biblically accurate fire hydrant
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Spend a few hours without your phone and you’ll realise what the important thing in your life is.
It’s your phone.
Having a kid is great because it’s basically an 18 year excuse for being too tired to make plans with people ever again.
“The Last Voyage of the Demeter” is too long a title. Personally , I would have called it “Bitey Boat”.
Two things Twitter cultivates and encourages:
1. instant gratification
2. sense of impatient entitlement
3. misunderstanding of basic math
Kids have it rough these days. Alexa wasn’t responding to my son , so he had to change the volume on his commercial-free, on-demand show by physically pressing buttons on the remote control.
Never go to bed angry. Stay up and make sure they don’t sleep either.
I would thrive as a castle guard. Leaning on my spear. Leering at wenches. Move along. Hail citizen. Halt. And so on
This forest scent air freshener is really working. Three elk have moved into my living room.
I don’t discriminate. Love whoever you want. Pansexual is cool with me. I mean, I like pans, I guess. They fry bacon and stuff.
I pirated a movie yesterday…
I gave it 3.14 stars.
9: Whatcha watching?
Me: Tiny Houses.
9: Wow it’s tiny! Who’s gonna live there?
Me: Two people.
9: Are they married?
Me: Not for long.
Crazy how everyone’s dads were born today
[bar closing time]
Do you wanna come over to my place?
Her (flirtatious af): oh yeah
Ok hold on..
*dials phone*
Mom? Can you pick me up now?
Toddler: What’s for dinner?
Me: Fish cakes.
Toddler [wide eyes]: FISH CAKES!? Is there frosting?!
Me:
Me:
Me:
Me: ……. Sure.
YOUTH 1: lol
YOUTH 2: wtf
YOUTH 1: lmao
YOUTH 2: ikr
ME [trying to fit in]: obgyn
A man threatened to sue a magazine for using his photo in a story about all hipsters looking the same — only to learn it’s not him in the picture
It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I’m trying to do that & you’re lowering my chances.
I think this should do it.
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok I’ll take one
[later]
duck: quick
me: I see
Officer: is there anything in your car I should know about?
Me: *remembers photo album filled with 1,000 pics of my dog* OMG YES
Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.They put me in the ICU.
Monopoly made me believe there would more bank errors in my favour as an adult.
The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.
😂🍻
these can’t be my only options
He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor
Van Gogh: take my ear as a symbol of love
Girl: ew I don’t want this
Van Gogh: I’m glad you like it
Girl: can you even hear me? This is gross
Van Gogh: I love you too
Maybe Adele is singing about her cats. You don’t know.
My dad, who was a nurse, told my mum he would absolutely not take take toddler me to the nurse’s strike picket lines and got busted when my Auntie Sue rang to tell my mum that I was on the 6 o’clock news on my dad’s shoulders, waving a little placard.