Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

don’t go chasing waterfalls? the place where many video games hide easter eggs and other rare items??

I think the first person to see a pug was like wait why is that sweet potato snorting?

What unbearably horny inventor came up with the lickable envelope

“Oh this? This everyday, functional object? You have to caress its entire length sensuously with your tongue to activate it. I am a very normal person.”

I gave up my aisle seat and took a middle seat so a mother and her son could sit together. It was ten minutes of feeling good about myself followed by three hours of hating a perfectly nice little boy.

How wrong was this guy?

Doctor: Open your mouth (inserts tongue depressor)

Me: Mmm, this tastes good.

Dr: You should have tasted it when the Popcicle was on it!

“T.G.I.F!” – not Jesus, probably.

I just found panties with pockets and we may be overcorrecting.

“What are you going to be when you grow up?”

Tired.
The answer is tired.

You know the hurricane is serious when even SpongeBob and Gary are evacuating

sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much

*performs interpretive dance at your psych evaluation

Waiter: Can I see your ID?

Me: I used to duct tape my discman so the AA batteries didn’t fly out.

Waiter: What would you like to drink?

If you want to get someone out of your office, just pull two tampons out of your purse and start air drumming.

Who even thought of soup? Were they like, you know what this perfectly good meal needs? Water.

As an ultimate act of selflessness, someday I will travel to a 3rd world country and adopt a small, less fortunate highway.

All right stop, coagulate and thicken

So we were deep in conversation about the state of political affairs, when the dog mentioned I might have taken too much cough syrup. Touché

It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.

Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are

Today’s Generation: “Omg my parents never let me have anything.” via iPhone.

I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’

Eddie is one of our desert tortoises. If you don’t push the door shut all the way, he will open it and come in. Eddie is probably over 50 years old, and ours is at least the third house in our neighborhood he’s lived at.

My husband thinks it’s funny how I have nothing to wear until I pack 4 suitcases for a trip.

To those of you who still feel like you’re superior, remember this; after this pandemic is over we will all have the skill level of a toddler when it comes to dressing ourselves.

Pro tip:

Ask your boss if you can go home early since you’re not going to do anything anyways.

her: wanna go upstairs

me: yes

her: do u have protection

me: [nervously] why what’s up there

Break up by making swimming motion arms every time they want to hold hands.

Tall, fit, great hair, dazzling smile, good with kids, excellent swordsman, right-handed.

~ Captain Hook’s Tinder profile ~