Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

what’s your favorite christmas song about punching a cough drop? mine’s deck the halls

When are they going to drug test the audience of “The Price Is Right.”? No one should be that happy.

“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”

her: we should get a labrador

me: idk seems like ppl with those go blind

Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.

My 4yo told me to hold her baby as she walked away with her dad. My 4yo left me in a restaurant alone with a fake baby in my arms. I should’ve put the the baby down, but I didn’t. I just held it like a real baby. Why? Idk why. Parenthood is wild.

[coronavirus pandemic diary]
Day 3: I’ve not had sex in 6 months

[first day as a bartender]
Customer: can I buy these ladies drinks?
Me: sure *takes ladies drinks and sets them down in front of him* that’ll be $18.50

The waitstaff is making TikTok’s with my food at this restaurant I can see them doing it please I’m starving

I’ve never tried cracking a safe but I did open the fridge door once without waking my dog.

the phone rings. it’s you. it’s always you. i’ve run out of things to say…out of ways to tell you to stop calling. i can’t do this anymore. yet…i answer, knowing you’ll just say the same thing you always say, “i’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”

We should have burned social media to the ground when they started helping us reconnect with old friends

I have been lowering the tone for so long now that I am effectively operating solely in infrasound frequencies which can only be heard by whales.

And they are appalled.

is she “spiritual” or does she just really like rocks?

No no, I’m not going to pay for these hot wings, I discovered them and you JUST GOT COLUMBUSED

it’s date night again and the other dried fruits are miffed

[first day as therapist]

patient: i’m in a weird place

me: *petting goat* but it’s cheap

Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?

*waiter pouring wine*

Say when sir

*wine slowly fills up the restaurant*

You can basically pressure anyone to do something by publicly saying: On the count of three! One, two-

You can’t stop yourself
If I say this is a haiku
You’ll count syllables

*First day as a fire investigator*

Me: We’re trying to figure out why your house burned down

Woman: Have you ruled out arson?

Me: *narrows eyes, looks at baby* No

Me: I’ll start work early so I can stop working earlier

Also me: *just works twice as many hours cuz I started earlier

“Church is like prison for me: they can’t keep me out.”

– Midnight, a church friend

[party]
her: [seductively] hey baby, u wanna get out of here?
me: oh hell yeah
her: awesome, we’d all appreciate it

Jesus: take of this bread, for it is my body

Judas: *cough* nepobaby *cough*

Jesus: what?

Judas: what?

I got pulled over ONE TIME when my daughter was with me and now whenever she sees a police car she says her own special little prayer of “please god let my mom drive normal”

sure, I’m hype for tekken because video game but I’m also here for the soundtrack

Dog: I have mange

Baby Jesus: I have manger

Dog: It’s not a competition