Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hate when I can’t remember if my wife and I are in love or fighting. So, I’m like a minesweeper in the mornings.

My daughter used to be afraid of the monster in her closet but like I told her, it’s the ones under your bed that you really need to worry about

@Mister_Gravity @OwensDamien @funTweeters Sssshhhhh, they haven’t noticed thus far, don’t screw it up for everyone…

I just realized that there is absolutely nothing stopping me from telling elderly people that I wrote Despacito

Stages of Candle Burning
1: this smells nice
2: still smells nice
3: this is all I can smell now
4: this is the only scent I have ever known

Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.

[Christmas morning]

Kids: [all screaming while opening presents]

[Me and coworker going for the last piece of cake]
You’d better ask yourself if you can type with one hand, Nancy from Accounting.

road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”

Her: Be a dear and hand me that cup.

Me: *jumps in front of a car*

Her: Dear, not deer.

My soul floating away: Craaaaap.

My son was brushing the crumbs off the front of his pants into the trash can at a restaurant and the waitress, thinking he was peeing, told him he needed to go do that in the bathroom.

Look lady, my kid only pees outside, not in the trash like the good lord intended.

Prostate exams do suck but I appreciate how thorough my dentist is.

give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.

give a fish a man and it’s Jaws.

Whenever I’m on a flight and a bald person sits next to me, it takes a ton of willpower not to draw on their head when they are sleep.

I’m starting to wonder if I really am the ideal size and weight to test the town catapult or if the other townsfolk simply don’t like me.

FUN FACT:

Scientists have proven, there IS in fact life outside the United States.

drive thru: can I take your order?

me: no I want it

“Well … I’ll be dammed.”

Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.

Worrying that Disney will ruin Star Wars is like worrying that a second iceberg will dive down to hit the Titanic.

If you know what “A/S/L?” means, I hope your back is okay. 😭

I always allow adequate time between workouts to fully recover. I’m going on four years now since my last gym session.

6yo: What is a solar eclipse?

Me: Have you ever been outside in the dark?

6yo: yeah

Me: same idea

*jurassic park meeting

CEO: We’ve suffered minor setbacks with grisly deaths; the destruction of the entire island; and billion dollar lawsuits. So I want some outside the box thinking on how to go forward.

Suit: We could build another park…

*long silence

CEO: Genius.

I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine

Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.

me: babe theres a surprise for you under the christmas tree

my cat: *whispering* and also within

Name another movie that mislead you?

MAGICIAN: Is this your card?

MAN: No

MAGICIAN: Is this your card?

MAN: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?

I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.

inventing words: clothing

Doctor: You need to cut out orange juice in the morning.

Me: Because of all the sugar?

D: No, because of all the champagne.

I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I’m in big trouble.