Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You don’t need flavored coffee. It already has a flavor. Coffee.

museum guide: america was founded on july 4, 1776
me: [nodding sagely] ah yes so its a Cancer. this explains everythig

I used to play computer games for three hours a day, but that was before I had a job. Now I can afford twice as many computer games.

“Dammit. I had shit planned today.”
— a spider being carried out of the house with a cup and piece of paper

I brought my Beats headphones to work, and instead of being left alone, I’ve had 7 rap battles and am in the finals against A$AP Carol.

ex: i wish you well

me: i hope you fall into one

I don’t get angry at my husband when he annoys me. I just drink his favourite Scotch.

Wait, Omicron isn’t the latest crypto currency?

[carnival]

me: I’d like an elephant!

face painter: on your cheek or…?

me: *unbuttoning pants* my wife is going to be so surprised

what are these things called my boss calls them “if you call me in here to take those off your fingers again you’re fired”

I’m sorry, but the $5.00 you gave me off my first order is not worth receiving emails every day for the next 200 years

My most difficult parenting challenge to date is when my toddler shouted “oh my god, not again!” when my over talkative neighbour came to chat to us and I had to try not to laugh

You don’t realize how inappropriate your music is until you have a car full of other people’s children

I’m like a candle: I’m cute, I smell nice, and there’s a pretty good chance I’ll set your curtains on fire if left unattended.

My family made a pact that I’m the first to be sacrificed in a zombie apocalypse because I’ll slow them down. That’s my workout motivation.

I was thinking about how the cat seems to spend nearly all day in my bed. Maybe from her perspective it’s her bed and I just take the night shift.

It was taking a really long time for the salt shaker to fill up and then I remembered that I’m high.

I’m starting yoga today and If my body isn’t perfect by noon, I’m quitting.

Wonder who’s getting killed off this season on Sesame Street

Tried to challenge the guy in the stall next to me to a thumb war, now he’s holding my hand & crying about his childhood.

I need to wipe.

My 4 year old daughter is in the tub screaming song requests at Alexa like a drunk divorcee

Angry like someone who’s gone three straight spoonfuls of raisin bran without getting a raisin.

[spelling bee finals]
JUDGE: your word is “asterisk”
KID: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: *adjusts mic* yes

Date – “so they had no other chairs?”
Me [sitting on an alpaca] “no”

beat teen pregnancy and with the current dating market it looks like i might beat adult pregnancy too

If a satellite dish zaps your friend and turns them into chips and 2 sliders….
Would you eat them?🤣🤣🤣

We’re not supposed to bring snacks to meetings because they’re a distraction, but so far no one’s realized my mask is full of Doritos.

There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.

[Gets out of bed]

*lost in China*
Friend: ask that man where we are

Me [pretending to speak Chinese with a local]: xian chan sēn

F: well?
Me: we’re in China

In Soviet Russia a bar walks into men. The case of the man-killing-bar remains unsolved.