Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My late night activities includes getting drunk and slow dancing to the Bee Gees with my cat.

“Needs to be punchier” — someone who has no idea what they want and wants you to figure it out

Just say no

This pandemic reminds me of an old TV series that should have ended years ago but the network still gave it a renewal.

My gynecologist sent me a refund check for $18.70. I don’t know what it’s for but I feel like I need to be offended.

Getting married soon just need a spouse

When Germans combine words, we get things like “flutter mouse” and “river horse.” When the English do it, we get “jorts.”

Cop: You already had your phonecall now state your name for the tape or you’re going to jail
Ivana Fonekaal: [looks at lawyer]

Way ahead of you, “cashless society.”

my body: please, eat something green

me: ugh, fine! *eats mint chip ice cream*

Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best:

Picking a Xmas gift for your wife is hard, so I’ve decided to deplete our bank account, fake my own death & move to Thailand

She’ll love it

What if instead of startling someone you could stople them. Just like, do something that makes them instantly really relaxed

oh, he likes camping? crush some leaves and put them in your hair.

Dogdamnit, autocarrot.

I knew this neighborhood was classy enough for me when I saw there is a “Pregnant Only” parking spot in front of the Liquor store.

Every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings. It’s always the same angel. It’s covered in wings now and wants to die but can’t

If I were a doctor I would become assassinated by the insurance industry after publicly evincing the curative properties of a hot dog and a soda

In a parallel universe somewhere, all the Pumpkin Spice Lattes are getting really excited for White Girl season at Starbucks.

We are the people our parents warned us about.

Egyptologist 1: *carefully brushing away dust from the cartouche on sandstone*

Egyptologist 2: What’s it say?

Egyptologist 1: *Studying hieroglyphics* It says, “Your third most used gif is how you really feel about Ramesses III”.

“No use crying over spilled milk” was coined by someone who didn’t have a 3yo who played with her milk. They didn’t have to deal with asking the 3yo to stop playing with her milk. And they def didn’t have to clean the spilled milk.

So you’re damn right I cried over spilled milk.

Brandy Carlile implies the existence of Whiskey Buscrocodile.

Who’d win if Batman fought Santa? Before u say Batman, just remember who’s watching you answer.

Me: I might give this money to that homeless guy
Wife: Do you want it wasted on fast food and alcohol?
Me: No
Wife: Then give it to the homeless guy

inventor of ceilings: *pointing at the floor* like this but up there

“Are you the branch manager?”
“Yes I am, how can I help you?”
“I would like two branches, please.”
“How would you like that?”
“Two big sticks, four little sticks.”

just found out the nhs had my height down as 88cm instead of 1.88 metres and now wondering if my early vaccine was because they thought i was a short dangerously large man

My gas mower died so I replaced it with an electric one. It doesn’t smoke or smell and is really quiet and now I don’t know how I’m supposed to alert the rival dads when I’m beating them to cutting the grass.

“Honey,can u make the dinner reservations for 3 instead of 2 tonight? Debby’s coming”
“We’re not bring ur new chainsaw-”
“HER NAME’S DEBBY”