Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: Wanna make a baby with me?
Dr. Frankenstein: Hell yes.

I don’t wanna start the year with any negativity so if you and I have had issues in the past, apologise to me immediately.

Amuse yourself at dinner parties by stealing one of their forks and replacing it with one of your own

My oldest kid had a little art show this morning, and not to be out done, my youngest did a performance piece entitled: lying on the floor of the art show and refusing to get up

Therapist: Talk about your friends.

Me: Now John at the bar is a friend of mine…

T: That’s a Billy Joel song.

Me: You’re no fun.

Me: ‘Alexa, set the timer for 90 minutes.’

Alexa: ‘What are we burning tonight?’

I’m thankful my wife harvested over $100,000 in potatoes on Farmville while I ate a grilled cheese for dinner & am sleeping on dirty laundry

An octopus should have eightacles, not ten.

I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments

One of the more important commas I’ve seen in a long time…

I wanna write a tweet that is so good that I can retire and just live off the retweets for the rest of my life.

My upstairs neighbours are absolutely nailing their blacksmithing class.

“What’s this switch for?” he asked.

“No idea,” she said. She flipped it on. Off. “Nothing?”

Somewhere, a writer had an idea. Then lost it.

all of my toiletries are chosen based on clearance sales, “Oh, you’re a Irish Spring man” no I’m a 3 for $5 man

Wife: Use your fingers to make me squirm

Me: *plays Baby Shark on Fisher Price xylophone*

Her: Be a dear and hand me that cup.

Me: *jumps in front of a car*

Her: Dear, not deer.

My soul floating away: Craaaaap.

ME: I lied in my interview.

BOSS: what was the lie?

ME: all lies. except about my aunt.

BOSS: she wants to party with me?

ME: big time.

My therapist: oh my socks are loose
Me:
Me: are you feeling shrinky?

Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.

-me, flirting

Asking people if they’ve started watching that show I recommended so they stop messaging me when I’m not in the mood to chat.

TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!

Me: I want to be sculpted like a Greek god

Plastic surgeon: We can help with-

Me: *opens mouth* Fill me with cement

Don’t have a second child until the first one is old enough to take care of it. Follow me for more parenting hacks.

Scooby and the Gang *continually shocked when a regular dude turns out to be a monster*

Me: same

Me: *picks nose*
Plastic Surgeon: excellent choice

Wife: I think we need a break.
*Titanic crashes into iceberg*

Husband: THAT WHAT YOU WANTED?
Wife: Yes.

Son: dad there’s a spider in my room!
Me: he’s more afraid of you than you are of him
Son: can you get rid of him
Me: no because I’m like ten times more afraid of him than he is of you

if you guys saw this outside of a bar, would you come in? please be honest

To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.

Today, my 3 year-old yelled at me because I forgot to close the fridge, then reminded me to turn off the kitchen light.

He just needs to fall asleep during a movie and his transformation into me would be complete.