Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

She said, “Are you even listening to me? This is important!”
I said, “I don’t know, pizza?”

And that’s how the fight started

I also bought this ice cream today, partially because I wanted ice cream and partially because it made me laugh.

She said that having a successful marriage is all about making sacrifices so I threw her into a volcano.

I got a new skirt, can you see my underwear? *cartwheel*

No.

How about now? *handstand*

I’m sorry ma’am, you need to leave the library.

Give your Mom what she really wants today. Accept her Facebook friend request.

Indian parents give you unmoanable names so you can focus on studies

The doctor removes the stethoscope from your chest. He seems flustered. “Well, it still sounds like moaning and the rattle of chains in a deep stone hole.”

He hands you a small wooden chest filled with rusty old keys. “Just keep swallowing these until one works.”

My 8-year-old asked Alexa if he will die one day and man Alexa does not hold back.

Missed Connection:

I was on the train. You were running for the train. Our eyes met. You reached out to me as the doors were closing, but the train pulled away. Please contact me. I have your left hand.

[first day as geologist]

me: *mouth full of dirt* the crust is the best part

It turns out that when you’re asked which kid is your favorite, you’re expected to pick from your own. I know that now.

Just googled “unsolved murders in my area” because I have some extra time and someone has to solve these cases.

a herd of people is called a crowd but a crowd full of introverts is called Les Misérables

I enjoy reading, long walks on the beach, and getting myself into situations where the only way out is to fake my own death.

KID: *falls out of tree* I’m fine
ADULT: *sleeps on neck a little strangely* I have to turn my whole body to look at you for the next week

Failed long-term relationships are never a total waste. They teach you valuable life skills, like how to carve profanity into car paint.

Why is “you’re a peach” a compliment but “you’re bananas” is an insult? Why do we allow such fruit discrimination?

I’ve never played Jenga, but I have had to extricate myself from a sleeping toddler in my bed, so I think I could handle it.

Delta Airlines Execs: oh COME on!!

Corona Beer Execs: FINALLY!!

I’ve had 3 new bosses at work in the last 6 months.

I wonder when they’re going to bring me in for questioning.

I should move the bodies.

I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.

tinder, huh? back in my day if you wanted a girl to notice you, you had to dress like a gargoyle and cling to the roof of her parents’ home

*Writes a song for you*

*Sings it under your bedroom window*

*You call the cops*

*Your husband falls in love with me*

my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing

At least chocolate chip cookies don’t look like brains. I’m talking about you, cauliflower.

Two words from the historical lexicon:
boondoggle: an entirely unnecessary or futile undertaking.
hornswoggle: to bamboozle or deceive.
A hornswoggling boondoggle has a nice ring to it.

How did you break your leg?

[flashes back to tripping over couch] I twisted it while pushing a toddler out of the way of an oncoming train.

*softly brushes the hair away from your face
“I said it’s my turn to jump in the bounce house.”

[second week of being able to talk to animals]
omg you like food I get it