Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[middle school]

Teacher: in 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue.

Me: he was actually a horrible person who committed many atrocities.

Teacher:

Me: mass genocide just to name one.

Teacher: *frustrated* ok but I feel like you don’t even want to know what he named his ships.

Friends with no kids are like:

Want to go to New Zealand this Friday?

My son made us all hide then jump out and yell ‘surprise!’ for his birthday. If you guys aren’t planning the same for my birthday on Tuesday, it’s gonna sting

I won every fight in 1st grade.

Not because I was tough, because I was 13.

Couldn’t remember the name ‘komodo dragon’ earlier so I called it a biguana.

Between my education and helping four children with their homework, I’ve studied approximately 27 years of Algebra.

accurate

first date idea we go to marriage counseling

The proper way to handle accidentally walking in on your coworker in the bathroom is to wait till they’re out and then let them see you using the eye wash station

My husband thinks he can just order me around like he’s one of the cats.

I love it when I’m cooking a meal and half way through I realise I don’t have all the ingredients so I improvise by eating a cake instead.

I’m tired tomorrow.

It’s too bad my sister wasn’t kinder to me in middle school.

**orders nephew a bullhorn for Christmas**

Asked Nonna what her biggest insecurity was when she was a young woman. She said she didn’t have time for that because of Mussolini

There is a disturbing amount of product placement in my dreams.

Doctor: You need to cut out orange juice in the morning.

Me: Because of all the sugar?

D: No, because of all the champagne.

4yo: *Tells 20 minute story*

Me: *Fully listens to the whole thing*

4yo: *Starts telling it again*

Me: *Dies*

GUY WHO INVENTED STEW:

I wish this plate of meat & vegetables was damp.

Ladies with “finger in their mouth” avis, what’s on your finger? Cake batter? Is it cake batter? Can I have some?

A shower so cold, you call it by your exes name

The second world war should have been called world war returns

Not to brag, but Panera said I’m worth a treat so it’s good to know I’d go for at least $2 on the Panera black market.

I don’t get people who stay virgins until after marriage. Its like buying a car without having sex with it first

“The Walking Dad,” but it’s just a guy walking around the house turning off lights and muttering that he’s “not made of money”

COMPUTER: Your password has expired.

ME: So it’s a passéword.

*Poltergeist tosses dishes out of the cabinet, rips the chandelier from the ceiling, pulls and severs the WiFi router from the wall, then screams like a banshee as it flies down the hallway*

13 Year Old Son: I’m bored.

Publisher handing my horror novel back to me with shaking hands: you need to lose the pop-ups

Just heard a coworker say “yeah they’re trying to live bicuriously through their children”

my 3yo found a whistle and is refusing to give it to me so do I just throw the whole kid out or nah?

Me: Ma’am your pet is loud.
Lady: That’s my baby.
Me: Ma’am your pet baby is loud