Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they looked.

We need a dating app where you can just get directly to the point. Like hey, you think I’m cute? Do you wanna abandon society & go live in the mountains so we can train a small army of raccoons to shoplift for us when the apocalypse finally happens? No? Then don’t waste my time.

A Tinder style app that helps parents find other parents to drink with

These people on Hoarders knew a camera crew was coming. You’d think they’d tidy up a bit.

I’m two types of woman. One who is extremely hard on herself & one who can’t stop giggling because she just said hard on.

You can tell which inmates were involved in organized crime because their cells are much neater than other prisoners’

6yo granddaughter: wonder how far this will go

Twists doll head til it snaps off

Screeches “mom!!!”

Me: you’d make a rotten serial killer

Twitter went from everyone pushing each other on mood swings to pushing each other off cliffs really fast.

HIM: I’m not crying, you’re crying
ME: we’re all crying, this is a funeral

My neighbors with the fireworks would apparently like to wish everyone a happy July 7th.

The Universe can have my atoms back.

I don’t want them anymore.

HR: Did you eat all the mints that were in my jar?
me: No [some mints fall out of my mouth]
HR:
me: Yes [more mints fall out of my mouth]

Mom taught us that “shut up” was the worst thing you could ever say to someone. But I had bigger dreams.

Why do New Yorkers constantly think New York is the only place that has things?

Uh oh I opened a package of cookies without washing my hands first and for my family’s safety will have to eat the whole thing

your honor my client feels very bad he got caught

Sticks and stones may break my bones
but words can ＳＵＭＭＯＮ ＤＥＭＯＮＳ

Cable Guy: Can I come in your back door?

Me: Maybe for free HBO.

Cable Guy:

Me: I’m kidding…sort of…not really.

Cable Guy:

He was a t8er boi. My little potato boi

I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits.

The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…

r/relationships
I (36m) met my girlfriend (32f) at the exact moment after i sucked helium from a balloon to do a funny voice for a buddy. now weve been together 8 months & Im constantly having to suck helium from balloons when shes not looking because she thinks that’s my voice

Here’s a fun number: 8

After months of testing, 8 is the number of whiskey sours I can have before my online students begin to notice that I am losing consciousness.

I get worried when someone posts a kitten pic with a foreign language, I don’t know if they’re showing a cute kitty pet or their dinner.

It’s been 536 days, 5hrs 16min since I’ve spoken to my ex, so clearly I’ve moved on.

Dads are required to say PARDON ME when there’s a loud thunderclap

Establish dominance at the dentist by trying to swallow everything they put in your mouth

[outside tomb]

John: ok but if we’re being honest Jesus was kind of annoying right?

Disciples:

John:

Disciples:

John:

Disciples:

John: he’s right behind me isn’t he

We’re starting this social distancing thing as a family of six but given how everyone is getting along on day one, we might end up a family of four.

Body: it’s sleepy time.

Brain: it’s thinky time.

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