Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“every family has that one huge weirdo”
“NOT MY FAMILY!” I shout as I quickly exit the room, my six ducks on leashes in hot pursuit.

Twitter has actually made me smarter. I proofread, I verify spelling and punctuation. Downside is I am now mute and haven’t bathed in days.

Hey, let’s eat outside tonight so the flies can eat our food while the mosquitos eat us, & the kids eat nothing because they hate burgers today.

My husband asked me to iron a shirt, so to be nice, I went out and bought him the same shirt with no wrinkles.

ME: Then the robber came thru the door holding a gun
COP: Was it a revolver?
ME [thinks] No he just pushed it open & walked thru like normal

GROUND CONTROL: Oh goddamit, it looks like Major Tom is going to sing through this whole mission. Pull the circuit.

MAJOR TOM: 🎶 the circuit’s dead, there’s something wrong

Them: Holy shit. How high are you?

Me: *6 minutes later* No, you are.

out-housing market appears to be strong

I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes

My dad to me: When I was a kid, people would suffer paralysis and death from Polio.

Me to my son: When I was a kid, hand dryers barely did anything.

You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my dog

Devil: Welcome to Hell. Do you know why you’re here?

Me: Um…

D: Seriously?

M: …

D: Arianna, you told your kids they couldn’t have brownie dough because it would give them salmonella and then you ate that shit with your hands after they left.

M: AND ID DO IT AGAIN

Stay friends with gravity while you can, kids, because one day it will turn on you and make your face look like it’s eating itself.

*stops next to punks at red light*

*stares them down, turns up The Walking Dead opening music*

*light turns green, slowly accelerates*

[dinner theater]

Me: babe relax it’s just a play it’s supposed to be fun

Waiter: *winks* table or booth

Abe Lincoln, reincarnated: OK WHAT THE HELL

Waiting in the coffee drive-thru line impatiently watching the driver in front of me chatting with the barista and my 12 y/o sighs and says, “C’mon, lady, she’s not your therapist, move along.” Never get between a middle school girl and her Frappuccino.

Trainer: what are your goals?

Me: to pet all the dogs

Trainer: no, fitness goals

Me: to be able to run fast enough to pet all the dogs

Lunch. Meeting. Sure, let’s ruin both at once.

My parenting style can best be described as “Go help your sister.”

Hey, we never talked in high school!

Let’s be Facebook friends so we can once again never talk!

JUST LIKE OLD TIMES!

wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing giraffe?

me measuring the ceiling: no idea.

I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”

what’s a not gay way of asking your bro to pose shirtless for a pic that you’ll silkscreen on a body pillow?

Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder

It could take a lifetime to show someone how much you care, but only 2mins if you stuff them in your trunk

Consistent as a McDonald’s ice cream machine

She said, “Are you even listening to me? This is important!”
I said, “I don’t know, pizza?”

And that’s how the fight started

You never see baby pigeons because pigeons are cloned by the government. Next question.

superman: can i borrow 500 bucks?

batman:

superman:

batman:

superman: [sighs] can i batborrow 500 batbucks?

batman: yep

I can’t believe I gave up my best sleeping years to raise children.