Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Misery loves Company, whereas Company is just trying to get laid.

ME: “I don’t want sex tonight”
GIRLFRIEND: “ok”
Reverse phycology doesn’t work on women.

The longest 36 hours of my day is from the moment I tell my kids good night to the moment they are actually asleep.

WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.

Somedays I feel like running away.

Then I remember how much I hate running.

8-year-old: *shows me the sample of her school picture*

Me: Why do you look so angry?

8: I was getting my picture taken.

When do zombies decide whether they’re gonna eat you or enlist you?

Angel: we need to make more creatures

God: why?

Angel: you killed them all

God:

Angel: giant meteor..

God: oh ya lol, idk bring back wooly mammoths they were cute

Angel: but the ice age is over it’ll be too hot

God: c’mon man it’s the weekend just shave em or something

Going to church you guys need anything

I’ve just had a rejection for a submission I made two years ago. Can I tell them that the book was accepted, published, reached the top 100 in the Amazon Kindle chart and I’ve since had another book published with a new one out this month, or is that just too much? 😝

He asked me to use smaller words, so I pat him on the head as I said “bye-bye”.

[Me getting cut off in traffic]

GET OFF YOUR PHONE AND WATCH WHERE YOU’RE GOING!

[Notices USMC sticker]

AND THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE!

What do you call a potato/corn crime fighting duo?

Starchy and Husk

a woman showed up two hours early to the theatre furious because she “didn’t know it was daylight savings” and I said “do you have a smartphone? those change time automatically” and she goes “yes but why would I look at that, I know what time it is” ???? famously you do not

Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.

Therapist: do what makes u happy and don’t do what makes u sad

Me: so happy music makes me happy

Therapist: yea

Me: and sad music makes me sad

Therapist: yea

Me: and I’m sad

Therapist: yea

Me: therefore I should listen to sad music

Therapist: so close

My mom used a fire extinguisher on a portobello she was broiling for a sandwich that got too close to the flame. Took it out of the oven, but an hour later forgot about the fire, made the sandwich, ate it, panicked + called. The guy was laughing so hard he couldn’t answer her. 😂

A wine sampling? How delightful. I’d also like to experience only a titch of love and a morsel of happiness.

Me: So my husband —
First grader: You have a husband?
Me: I do, the whole time you’ve known me.
First grader: Oh. I always thought you were feral.
Me: Er, do you mean ‘single’?
First grader: Whatever the word is that you use for stray cats.

🙀

I’m sorry, I refuse to call it Xmas, I’m going to keep calling it Twittermas like before.

Cat 1: hey let’s have a big fight and trash this place

Cat 2: ok, but let’s wait till the human is in a deep sleep for maximum effect

Cat 1: smart. imma barf between the couch cushions while he’s brushing his teeth tho

Jaws (1975): A shark is murdered on his vacation.

The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.

Went gluten-free and already lost 15 friends in the first week!

[makes a voodoo doll of my dad]

[does basic stretches on it every night so he keeps his flexibility well into his 60s]

Final Destination ruined two of my favorite things. Rollercoasters and sharing the road with log hauling trucks.

[elevator doors r closing, i see a woman running to get on. i push the close door button because i gotta be on time for an interview. i get there exactly at 2 and sit down. a few min later the interviewer walks in. it’s the woman from the elevator]

her: *glares*

me: you’re late

sheep: hey give me my jeans back

wolf: no I need them for this idiom

Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.

Dentist: How often do you floss?

Dracula: Every day

Dentist: Your gums are covered in blood.

Dracula: Oh…I mean never. I never floss.