Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I’m feeling overwhelmed, I like to pretend I have Christmas movie problems like “Do I move back to the small town where my single Canadian handsome high school bf lives, and open a Chocolate shop?”

Pro Tip: If you’re searching for Moana You Tube video clips for your kids, DO NOT forget the ‘a’ on the end.

You can initiate peekaboo with the toddler in the next booth, but are you prepared to continue it throughout dinner? I didn’t think so.

What?

You overpack for vacation and most of the stuff you don’t even wear, but your clothes need a vacation too. They seem to enjoy it.

Who you are when a wasp gets too close to you is the real you.

Gary Numan is 13 days older than Gary Oldman. I don’t even know what to believe any more

robber: alright this is a robbery

dad: no this is a bank

robber: damnit dad not now

Reasons to jump:

1. Trampoline
2. Skydiving
3. Bungee jumping
4. Kris Kross made you

Some of y’all tomorrow …

Just once I’d like to practice my runway walk while eating a bag of chips without getting kicked out of the grocery store.

“Please be aware that this call may be recorded for training purposes”

-companies that obviously provide no training

[picks up date]
*slides over hood of car* *slides off car onto another car* *slides off that one onto another car* *date looks at her watch*

“We’ve got to stop meeting like this,” I say to the neighbor’s cute golden retriever after climbing the fence to pet him.

Someone left an anonymous love note on my daughter’s desk and the first thing she did was put it in a ziploc baggie so she can get DNA and fingerprints

Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.

Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.

If I had two bathrooms I’d tell everyone someone died in one, I ain’t tryna clean two bathrooms

wife: have you seen the dog bowl?

me: *imagining it* no but I want to

“I told Stu that he’d had too much to drink,” said one of the four, asking not to be identified, “he had no business being behind the wheel.”

If my girlfriend hired cheaters they’d just tell her “the whole goddamn day, he looked up from his phone twice and once it was to sneeze”

My dogs keep looking at me as if I have the power to fix the snow outside but I’m too goddamned lazy to do it

My suspicious mole cancelled my appointment with a dermatologist.

BREAKING: DirecTV subscribers lose The Weather Channel over fee dispute. Luckily, subscribers will keep windows, which they can look out of.

wife: listen you have to help me be accountable when it comes to eating better

me: no this is a trap i will not fall for anymore.

How To Write: get as distracted as possible for as long as possible until you are driven to start typing by an overpowering sense of shame.

“I’m a green onion and I’m here to say, I can be enjoyed most every day.”
-A rapscallion

If you can’t be with the one you love, stab the one you’re with.

Talk to me, like lovers do
Judge: You wanted to approach the bench to say that?

You’re the last hot dog on the rollers at 7-11 of people.