Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I have kids I’m gonna tell them drugs are good for them.
It’s the only way I can be sure they won’t try them.

Construction sites are dangerous places. I nearly blacked out holding in my stomach as I walked past one.

The best way to prevent COVID is the consumption of durian fruit. It doesn’t kill the virus but it is excellent for social distancing

Just once I’d like to run into Kanye and refer to him as Kanye Davidson just to see his head explode.

cop: your eyes are bloodshot, have you been drinking

me: your eyes look glazed, have you been eating donuts

cop: no I’m just high—wait a second

me: too late ur under arrest

taking June’s advice to heart

Should I buy a pizza? Heads I do, tales I ignore the coin.

Worst feelings:

1) Love not reciprocated
2) Hurting someone’s feelings
3) Disappointing my kids
4) Misgauging where to stop at a red light by a parking lot exit and now I’m blocking a car trying to turn out and god they won’t stop staring at me help

Can you solve the riddle??

i’ll never forget what my Grandad said to me just before he kicked the bucket
“Grandson…
how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”

My friend told me her kids don’t get dessert every night which really confused me. Like, what does she use to bribe them to eat their dinner?!

“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”

Risking my life for fun.

*Holding a banana like a phone* (texting)

I’ve spent the better part of my day trying to figure out why “mustache” & “headache” don’t rhyme.

[at a racetrack]

DATE: Which horse are you betting on?

ME: I don’t have a horse in this race

DATE: That’s fair

ANNOUNCER: [over speakers] Wow, folks, it looks like a large raccoon has just rolled onto the track

Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”

Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”

[On WebMD]
I have a sore throat
[Throat cancer]
I wasn’t done, and a stomach ache.
[Cancer]
Couldn’t it be the flu?
[If it wasn’t cancer]

[first day in the crime lab]

me: I can’t believe we get to invent new heists

I hate it when I change my profile status to single and the wife changes it back to married

[trying extremely hard not to say it]
deviled egg nog

Half the jobs my four-year-old wants when he grows up don’t even exist. WTF is a “karate astronaut”?

me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?

I hate to brag but I’ve been kicked out of several cults for being too weird.

My mom said if she’d known grandchildren were so fun she would’ve skipped a generation so I loaded the kids with candy and left them at her house.

[party]
ME: I’m uncomfortable
BF: Just mingle
ME: Do I introduce myself?
BF: We’re at your family reunion

[sheriff’s office]

me: we found a body in the woods but it’s decayed beyond recognition

deputy: can’t you identify it using dental records

me: ordinarily we would but the town dentist has been missing for over a month now

“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”

– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive

What idiot called it a pharmacy and not a “coughy shop”