@jbillinson

Biden: I think if we just leave a small-
Obama: No
Biden: Just a small Mouse Trap inspired-
Obama: No booby traps, Joe

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@KeetPotato

did you get the job?
“i don’t know yet”
when will they tell you?
interviewer: “keith can you please ask your mum to wait in reception”

@IndecisiveJones

cave of wonders: only one may enter here

aladdin: abu has to wait outside?

cave of wonders: oh, pets don’t count

abu: *steals*

cave of wonders: OK PETS COUNT

@ElleOhHell

The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons

@MommaUnfiltered

The guy at the gym said rest days are really important, so I’ve been resting for 6 years.

@6stringSpecial

Today at crossfit, i changed a tire on an old tractor. I think the trainer has just been charging me to do shitty chores at his dad’s house.

@phalguy

Realtor: This house here comes with a playroom

Wife: Oh, the kids will love that!

Realtor: It’s not that kind of playroom

Husband: Nice

@david8hughes

[wakes up & turns to wife]
“I had a nightmare. You died.”
“Aw. It was just a-”
“Let me finish. You died & I had to make my breakfast.”

@DothTheDoth

Dear diary, although he was a malevolent killer, the headless horseman was really well dressed. My emotions about this are confusing.

@Cpin42

[Prison Diary Day 5]

Did a perfect cartwheel today and nobody clapped. I hate it here