[Central Park]
Me: the squirrels have been busy collecting nuts for the winter
Also me: can someone help me get down from this tree
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I’m not gullible enough to be lured into a cult but I am nosy enough
Thank you for fixing my bends, but why on Earth did you crack my rims?!
ME: My New Year’s resolution is to eat less
WIFE: Good!
ME: (very, very quietly) …vegetables.
* Finds what I’m looking for
* Can’t remember why I was looking
“1 down, 98 to go!”- Jay-Z after cleaning the gutters
hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield
Sold my parents’ house today. It was really bittersweet and brought back so many memories. My parents are gonna be pissed when they get back from vacation though.
Actual text from 17 y/o son:
kin u com bi nd swoop me?
I hope he means hit him with my car, because that’s the plan
Me: Something is fishy here
Red herring: *acts very casual
I was a pacifist until the goddamn rabbits ate my lilies
A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.
KFC hitting the cannibal market
I celebrate International Women’s Day by visiting my local CVS and torching all their ‘JUST FOR MEN’ products while screaming: “NOT TODAY!”
Don’t wake a sleeping baby, and don’t make eye contact with a playing toddler.
The first step to forgiveness is acknowledging that the other person is a complete twat.
Oh, you’re about to earn your 3rd master’s degree? I’m still working on spelling “bananas” without singing “Hollaback Girl” in my head.
Reminder that today is Make Your Kid Lunch for School so They Can Forget it at Home Day.
Reaction when you try to get out of plans but the person keeps rescheduling so you can make it.
[After kidnapping]
ME: Don’t worry I have a particular set of skills
..ME [making mice tuxedos] admittedly I don’t know how this will help
*bumps into an acquaintance in a world where there’s no such thing as weather* Uhhhhhhhhhhh
John: we need a new word for foolishness
Tom: How about johnfoolery lol
John: Ok that’s definitely what I’m writing down
Me: *taking a pee*
Urologist: put that back
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.
Oh, your kid is in all honors courses. That’s cool. Well, my kids are learning from real life experiences like why we don’t put forks in the microwave.
[a robber breaks into my house]
me, to my dog: sic him, boy, sic him
my dog: [coughs into his paw, wipes it on the robber’s face, and then looks at me for approval]
me: not… [rubbing my temples] not like that tho
*boss stops meeting*
Mike, is there something you’ld like to share with the whole group?
Me: Nooooo, that’s why I whispered it to Alan.
[The First Halloween: October 31, 17 A.D.]
KID: I’m hungry
DAD: Go ask the neighbour for food
My twins have been coming home from school every day with big cardboard models and I’m taking this as an act of war so tomorrow I’m sending one twin with a whistle and one with a book that plays baby shark on repeat
me sitting in the theater waiting for the batman to start