Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My favorite part about talking to my teens is when they give me direct eye contact, listen intently, nod understandingly and then take out their AirPods when I finish and say, huh?

My cousin mad because he just found out his wife is on Tinder but he only saw her profile bc he was on Tinder being shiesty too… so now he can’t bring it up and is just pissed internally everyday

Easiest way to make friends? Craigslist
Hardest way? Hmm probably putting your chin on a stranger’s shoulder from behind them at an Arby’s

Psychic: your mom asked me to take care of some unfinished business for her

Me: [holding back tears] did she have a message for me?

Psychic: *covertly shoving sex toys into a box* not really

Me: why are you on her laptop?

Psychic: *deletes browser history* she’s at peace now

The White House released this completely unedited photo of today’s turkey.

[Hears kids approaching]

Me: Think we can outrun them?

Wife: Them? I just need to outrun YOU.

The AC guy is coming tomorrow and I expect him to fix all of my typos

“Coward” should really mean “to move in the direction of a cow”

Interviewer: Any questions?

Me: On the sitcom Friends, how come the only couch at the coffee shop was always available for them?

Gather ’round you single losers so I can throw my used flowers at you -Brides

I need a note so I can get out of having sex with my husband.

Gynecologist: …

*Writes a song for you*

*Sings it under your bedroom window*

*You call the cops*

*Your husband falls in love with me*

Went jogging and on the way back had to call an Uber. Faked an ankle injury and prayed it wasn’t the same driver as the last time.

murdering your brother and then responding “i don’t know. am i my brother’s keeper?” when god, creator of the universe, asks where your brother is because He lost track of one of the four people on earth is just. wow, they don’t make characters like that anymore.

Seems legit.

Just walked past two South Asian men in the street who were reading out the individual components of a full English breakfast from a restaurant menu and absolutely weeping with laughter

I just found a gray hair and I’m shocked this past year only gave me the one

[My date and I both speak at the same time]
Me: Haha sorry! You go first

Date: I was just gonna say I love this wine, and the food is delicious. What were you gonna say?

Me: Should male sheep be called heep?

[weapons store]

ME: *holding up a spare pin* Has anybody seen my grenade?

I say ‘tomato’, you say ‘put your hands where I can see them and exit the vehicle slowly’ .

Found a fly on his back by my keyboard. So dead. So sad. Put a cocktail umbrella by his head. Now he looks like he’s suntanning.

[on a first date in a restaurant]

him: so what did you do last weekend?

me: I binge watched one of my favourite Netflix shows.

him: binge watched? haha, I can’t ever watch more than one episode at a time

me: lmao! *turns round* CHECK, PLEASE!

They say ‘No news is good news,’ but I think it just means I have a lazy paperboy.

We should be able take jets and tanks and stuff whenever we want, we paid for them

English: i before e, except after c.

Science: Ummmm, No.

Prayers for my 4yo who despite many attempts is currently unable to remove his nose

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A guy at work forges as a hobby and it took me almost a year before I realized that he wasn’t saying he was foraging on the weekend

Cop: License and registration please.

Me: Give me a second, I’m drunk.

Cop: Sir, have you been drinking?

Me: No.