Biden: I told him that we call in attacks on countries by blocking them on Twitter.
O: Joe…
Biden: Trust me.
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[House has collapsed]
Fireman: Your dad is stuck underneath, I’m not sure we’ll find him in time
Me: *steps nearer* GUESS I’LL BE DOING ALL THE GRILLING FROM NOW ON
*rubble starts to move*
You want me to respect scientists. The people who almost killed E.T.
How does Super Mario contact his dead brother?
Using a Luigi board!
I respect kiwis because they looked around, saw there weren’t any mice on their island, and said “fine I’ll do it”
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
jeff bezos: i don’t like it when people say i look like an alien
therapist: well you did exploit earth’s resources
bezos: so that i can build my spaceship
therapist:
bezos: *licks eyeball*
A sweater so itchy it feels like it was made from scratch.
I think Mark Zuckerberg could have sold the Metaverse concept about 10000x better by just walking out and saying “why watch Shrek… when you can BE Shrek”
My dog: I need to go out
Me: it’s raining
Dog: out NOW
M: Okay but it’s raining
Dog: *walks outside* oh shit, it’s raining
I needed this laugh 😂😂😂
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s that
Son: it’s our house
Me [walks outside with son]: do you see how it absolutely isn’t?
I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet
Given their destructive force to homes, kids’ birthday parties should get names like hurricanes do. Birthday Party Hugo.
I’m on the “Whole Thing” diet. Didn’t eat the whole thing? Boom. Diet.
doctor: you need a knee replacement
me: great i would like slinkies
My son’s kindergarten teacher wanted to chat with me today because my son told his class that his mom died… and came back to life!
Girl likes ‘boys with accents <333’ on Facebook. I charge at her. “HELLOUGH!! I AM HELMUT, FROM RUSSIA. I WORK AS STRANGLER AT MEAT FACTORY”
My God! Have you seen the cost of funerals? No wonder people are living longer
My biggest fears are:
-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
-running out of toilet paper
-running
What’s the difference between snowmen and snowladies ? Snowballs
The optometrist sees the one eyed man’s glasses as half-full. The pessometrist sees them as half-empty.
Me: I’m on the moth diet
Her: that’s not what ‘eating light’ means
Me: *coughing up moths* what?
Me: Being a healthy adult is getting a full 8hrs sleep
Boss: But not while you’re supposed to be working
tinting my car’s windows so people outside can’t see me eating soup
INTERVIEWER: You worked in a NASCAR pit crew? How does that qualify you to work here at the Men’s Wearhou
*I’ve already changed his pants*
me: as soon as I get home from work, I’m going to clean the entire house, get my workout in, and do some work on creative projects
my bed: [chuckles darkly]
they say you swallow 8 spiders each year, but what they don’t tell you is that it hits harder if you crush and then snort them
My husband will eat anything that has the word “Cowboy” in it so tonight I’m making Cowboy Kale and boy howdy is he gonna like it!
Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.
doctor: drugs have destroyed your body
me: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
me: only i can see him