Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t forget to tip your server

It’s spirit day dress as your idol and my son went as his dad and my daughter went as me and her twin went as a dog. Note to reader: we don’t have a dog.

Starting a YouTube channel where I’ll react to people reacting to people reacting to reaction videos.

John Wick: contract killer

John Wink: lady killer 😉

Maybe Jesus doesn’t want lettuce to adore Him.

Me: How are you doing? Is our date starting to feel a bit awkward?

Her: Yeah, a little…

Me: I was talking to my mom!

Mom: No, I’m fine.

Hey babe…wanna come over and fold me like a fitted sheet?

My husband and I are very compatible.

He’s a problem solver and I have lots of them.

You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.

*slips the attendant $20* “make sure you pick me out a good one”

Sir this is a daycare…

“uh huh *winks* a daycare”

Drumpf’s presidential campaign in reverse: an increasingly laughable story of an egomaniac running for an office he couldn’t possibly win

“Please, do that thing again with your tongue…” – Me talking to my pet lizard:(

Me: We’re well stocked with the necessities, let’s not waste food

What my kids hear: Yayy let’s eat, every hour, like it’s a cruise buffet

I carry a rolled up yoga mat so people think I’m fit but really it’s just a great way to hold 2 footlong meatball subs.

Interviewer: Why do you want to work in customer service?

Me: Well, I’m really good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault

The fact that homeowners
associations exist is wild to me. You buy an entire house and some lady a couple doors down can tell you that you’re not allowed to display your antique frog statue and you have to pay a fine? insane.

Brother: The holidays are coming up fast. Are you excited?

Me: Of course I’m excited. *prepays 25 therapy sessions*

*Zuckerberg sits in front of congress*
“Mr Zuckerberg, we have several very serious questions and we demand answers”
“I have printed out all of your Internet histories”
“This meeting is over”

Yes, the 5:00 whistle! I’m so excited I’m going to yell a catchphrase of some sort and slide right down the tail of an unidentified dinosaur on my way to clock out!

They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…

that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.

Of course morning sex is better.

You haven’t spent the day annoying the crap out of each other yet.

I’m a mom. My hobbies include buying snacks and mediating fights about snacks.

[Job interview]
“You list communication as a strength”

Yes

“Care to elaborate?”

No

We’ve all heard the peanut butter debate, but what about mayo? Smooth or Crunchy?

When my kids are grown, I’m coming over to their house and taking their forks and then scattering them around town.

I just want a time machine so I can show up at the Salem witch trials with an iPad.

Police:Is there anything you can tell us about your attacker.

Me:He was much better at fighting than me.

Police:Ok is there anything else?

Her: I feel like you aren’t listening to me.
Me: No thanks, I’ve eaten.

I had two ribs removed so I could pet small dogs easier.