Biden: I took a Staples red button & wrote “Nukes” on it
Obama: Joe!
Biden: Tweets to him in Russian when pressed
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BOSS: lunch on me today. any ideas?
“pizza”
“sushi”
ME: *suspicious that jeff in HR is an anteater* ants?
[i stare at jeff for his reaction]
GF: “I’m telling you now! Size does not matter, it doesn’t make you any less important.”
BF: “Yeah? Well explain that to Pluto.”
Amazed that my wife didn’t tell me that today our 8YO had a school field trip, for which both of us got multiple email reminders
“Hashtag.” #ReplaceAOneWordMovieTitleWithTheWordHashtag
[Spelling Bee]
-Your word is ‘leniency’
-Can you use it in a sentence?
-*gets law degree*
*works in law*
*becomes judge*
*fines robber £1*
That awkward moment in the confessional when the priest says “Thanks for that mate. I’m actually the cleaner. Wait til the lads hear this!”.
[first day as a botany professor]
me: who can tell me why plants release pollen in the spring?
student: to reproduce?
me: wrong. it’s to torture me specifically
[poking you repeatedly in the shoulder] I’ll keep this up until you acknowledge me. I’ve got nowhere else to be.
I heard on the news that some guy was stealing wheels off police cars. The police are working tirelessly to catch him.
I hope Prince Harry and Emma Watson last because if they have a son, it will be the half-blood prince.
Why are ghosts always just moaning? Did your manners die too? Use your words!
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
Never bring a bag of cement to a pillow fight.
Unless you want to win.
*getting murdered*
“When you’re done could you lay me on my back so my tummy flattens out?”
This fall on Fox:
X-Files Babies.
Baby Skully and Baby Mulder meet at a petting zoo when they both get knocked over by the same goat.
Drummer’s pissed because the guys in the band say drums aren’t a real instrument. He says, “I’ll show them–give me the red cornet and the accordion.”
Instrument store guy says, “Well you can have the fire extinguisher, but the radiator has to stay.”
Today I worked from home, ran 10 miles, homeschooled my kids, cleaned the house, made a delicious dinner, and got my kids to bed early. It’s amazing what you can accomplish when you lie.
I’m flying to my 30th high school reunion and I think I forgot to turn my stove off and also to be successful
Me *sees boy at school* ugh that kid over there is so annoying
Teacher: I agree but you still need to take him home
Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.
My husband said I looked tired so I ate his ice cream bar.
[Heart: Tell her her eyes are windows into eternity, filled with fire…
Brain: Beacons, stars in a vast darkness]
Mouth: HEY GREAT EYEBALLS
Maintains eye contact with the cashier as he rings up my gloves, duct tape, knife and tampons
Went on a date a year ago with an atheist vegan libertarian anti-vaxxer conspiracy theorist who vapes and does CrossFit. I snuck out the bathroom window 45 minutes in, but rumor has it he’s still telling me about himself.
My kid: mumma today we met our teacher’s teacher. Our grand-teacher.
Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.
Funny how this Target cashier says “Merry Christmas” like she’s not going to see me 50 more times between now & then.
Cats be like “I know a spot” and proceed to take a nap on the important papers you are working on to meet a deadline.
Wife: You’re lost.
Me: No. This is exactly where we are suppose to park.