Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s not fair how teenagers today can avoid social interaction with family by staring at their phones

I had to show my contempt by grunting

Plot idea: 97% of the world’s scientists contrive an environmental crisis, but are exposed by a plucky band of billionaires & oil companies.

Wakes up at 6:30. Quietly makes coffee and takes dog outside. Sits down with phone and vows not to waste entire day on Twitter.
… 5 minutes later
wife: supper’s ready!!

ME: so what do you do
GUY: I’m an oral surgeon
ME: *imagining him doing heart surgery with just his mouth* wow I bet you’re a helluva kisser

I saw an attractive woman spank her kid in McDonalds after he threw his fries on the ground, so I also threw mine on the ground.

I say I want a gf but I don’t even know what I’d do with one. Do you just kiss her and leave her alone in a corner? How often does it eat?

Doctor: I’m going to listen to your lungs so just breathe normal.

Me: Well now you’ve made THAT nearly impossible.

“Let the chips fall where they may.”
-My kids when they’re eating chips on the couch.

Woman to friend at store: We can get shrimp for people who don’t eat meat!

Me: don’t forget the cheese for the lactose intolerant people!

You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.

My father will accept 10 ripe avocados in exchange for my hand in marriage.

They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.

If I ask “Where’s the remote?” & you say “Next to the TV,” you get a punch in the throat becuz THAT’S THE OPPOSITE OF WHY WE HAVE A REMOTE.

Jesus: “BRAINS!”
*everyone looks scared*
Jesus: “Just kidding! I’m fine, I’m fine.”

A chicken running a marathon wears Ree-bokbokboks

me: oooh is that a bowl of jelly beans on the table?

therapist: yes help yourself

me: [mouth already full of jelly beans] if I could do that I wouldn’t be here

People should be teaching kids to spell by changing the wifi password every week to something increasingly complicated

Moan louder every time the cashier scans one of your items.

Times are tough. My hot soup delivered on a unicycle business is filing for bankruptcy.

Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly

*Santa’s Google search*
cheap labor
cheap labor not kids
magic cheap labor
elf for sale bulk
labor laws by country
north pole group travel

Whenever I get my hair cut I always take a ‘before and after’ photo outside the barber’s shop. Here’s the latest…

“Your new girlfriend seems a bit, I don’t know…bookish?”

She has a name you know!

“What is it?”

…Paige.

Pretty much. 🤣

Pro tip: Doing the worm into your bosses office makes him forget what he wanted to yell at you about

Curiosity is on #Mars. Sure went a long way after killing the cat.

You only live once. Go talk to that gorgeous person… ask them for their phone number, steal their identity, buy yourself a big screen TV

Marathon runner: I think we’re lost. Why does that sign say Grand Canyon? Are you sure this is the right way?

Lemming: Just trust me, ok?

[middle ages]
King: my soldiers should wear suits that is more protective
Queen: *are more
King: babe that is brilliant

We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right