Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Well gentlemen… the steaks are high.”

*two steaks giggle*

“Hehehe omfg he totally knows, man…”

My son’s girlfriend always peels out of the driveway like a car chase from the Rockford Files.
I admire her spirit, but I have to live with my neighbors.

Are you turned on?

Switch I might be!

got my mind on my money and my money

is nowhere to be found.

If you run through an airport yelling “Marybeth I love you don’t go!” then you can cut through so many lines of people who like romance.

Escape rooms were invented by introverts. Only they would pay money to leave somewhere in less than an hour.

sent my boyfriend a post-ambien text last night that said “i’m going to sleep, do you want anything?” proving my subconscious is stupid, but kind

Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.

Me: *applying camouflage paint* I very much doubt that.

So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.

Pretty disappointed in them ever since though

I never finish what I start. I have a black belt in partial arts.

sorry i left you on read i didn’t mean to open it just yet

If you watch 2016 backwards, it’s a heartwarming story of how celebrities can come back to life just by trending on the Internet.

Subway sandwich employee said he wears the gloves “cuz the meat stings.”

Government shutdown day 7: Electricity still works. Water is still running. No cool gangs to join yet. Worst apocalypse ever.

I’m not sure if this is the same kind of plague, but I smeared my period blood on the door frame just in case.

Karma is my daughter bragging about getting to sleep late this week and forgetting to turn off her alarm.

[commercial for twitter]

hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry

Everyone is talking about the baby boom that’s coming nine months after quarantine, but no one is talking about how the divorce rate is gonna skyrocket.

The year is 2073. My wife and I rest in side by side burial plots. Waking up in the middle of the night our 57yo son, for reasons beyond his understanding, digs a horizontal hole between us and gets in.

His head near his mother and his feet kicking my corpse, he sleeps.

“Let them fake cake”

Marie Internette

How people watch movies when they’re:

DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up when I’m choking on a piece of popcorn*

I can’t believe this Avengers movie will be the last one before the next one comes out.

ICYMI: Yesterday, MarineLand Canada sent the police to my house because I tweeted “Life is short. Steal a walrus”. Vid or it didn’t happen? Ok:

My calendar says I have 18 meetings left this week. Time to go lick Maria in accounting; she’s coming down with flu.

Could a murderer do THIS?
*lawyer points to defendant doing cool tap dance*
I remind the jury that only guilty feet have got no rhythm.

Gollum had a pretty sweet setup for a while. Cave where no one bothers him. Cool item to look at in his cave

Dad Hack: get your teen’s attention instantly by pre-heating the oven.

Shazam but for telling you the name of someone who’s only just been introduced to you 5 minutes ago but you weren’t listening.

My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha with an inspirational text like:

“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa”

Day 1: Brad wears no pants
Day 2: Brad wears no pants
Day 3: Brad wears no pants
…
…

This is just a bottomless Pitt