Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The moon’s water broke. You know what that means?

Baby Moon.

Once I tried to rescue this kitten stuck in a tree only it wasn’t a kitten it was an owl and he was, like…he was fine there.

Men pick a hairstyle at 15 and call it good until baldness or death.

*Toddler grabs my shirt and pulls.

Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, son.

*Husband grabs my shirt and pulls.

Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, hon.

Putting the word “rage” in everything you say you’re doing makes you sound more productive

I’m rage cleaning the house
I’m rage working this project
I’m rage homeschooling the kids
I’m rage drinking tequila

Doctor: You need to cut out orange juice in the morning.

Me: Because of all the sugar?

D: No, because of all the champagne.

Me: “Get me a newspaper.”Friend: “Don’t be silly. Here. Borrow my iPad.” Poor spider never knew what hit it.

And the Lord said in the presence of a loading zone

At what age should you put the tonsils back in

I’m a kleptomaniac

It’s ok though, I’m taking something for it

“Shotgun!” I yell as I push past the others and climb into the seat.

I am subsequently escorted from the airplane.

I wanna see this movie: begins with a car chase, but after the cars destroy a fruit stand, the rest of the film follows that fruit stand’s enraged owner as she takes revenge on the drivers. Walks the land, killing action heroes & villains, in the name of fruit stands everywhere

I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn’t 6 hours long.

People terrible at the sex should take notes from dentists & give out goody bags. It’s like yeah that was all uncomfortable but here’s some goodies so you’ll hit me up again.

When I found out Santa wasn’t real I got so mad at my parents I stormed out of the house, got in my car and just drove and drove and drove.

Follow me on Instagram if you want to see me post absolutely nothing for weeks

Who are you to tell me what to do? You’re not my bank account.

guys I’m going home

I just took the Christmas tree down. Gonna dye Easter eggs this afternoon.

Me in my 20s: [faking it till I make it]

Me in my 30s: [still faking it till I make it]

Me on my deathbed: ANY day now

What I say: Sorry baby, they were out of bubblegum flavored medicine…Grape, will have to do.

What my child hears: I don’t love you, never have…Now drink your poison.

Did I sled down the hill? You bet I did.

I paid for for the sled.

The kids weren’t doing it right.

And it was my turn.

Hotel room coffee is still better than that whole relationship with you

If anyone on the street asks for directions – give directions to YOUR house. Then run home, put on music and wait for your new best friend!

[out in public]

Me: A kid is crying.

Wife: It’s not one of ours.

[we fist bump]

Me: She really needs to calm down.

Alcohol: You should tell her.

[Tarot reading ends]

Reader: Remember, you’ve been warned!

Me: *looks up from phone* Oh maybe I should have been listening to that.

Therapist: Do you have a support system?

Me: I have a lumbar pillow.

Therapist: No, I mean a family, friends?

Me: I have a lumbar pillow.

“I chose you yesterday, I choose you today, and I will choose you tomorrow.”

– Me, to my coffee