Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Passwords are more important than ever.

*chugging, distorted guitars, aggressive precision drumming*

Me: *wearing a bloody pig face and growling like a demon* One cannot step twice in the same river. I think therefore I am. Entities should not be multiplied unnecessarily.

Depth Metal

Him: you seem disappointed

Me: i just thought we were staying at a sweet

Him: this is a suite

Me: *licking the wall again* these are not gingerbread Patrick!

If you like constant interruptions when you’re [no you can’t have a snack] trying to get something done, then parenting [leave the cat alone] might be for you.

Imagine the scariest ride you’ve ever been on ….

Got it?

Then there’s dating me.

no refunds

my coworker threw a paper airplane at me and i was like “on today of all days 😟?” and she looked at me like this

When you played marbles, the only goal was to win more marbles. No one asked stupid questions like why’d you want more marbles.

HER: Talk dirty to me.
ME: I don’t want to.
HER: C’mon.
ME: No, I’m bad at it.
HER: I’m sure you’re not.
ME: I really am.
HER: Just try.
ME: *whispers in her ear*
HER: Yeah, never do that again.

Deciding to work in HR is like choosing to be the dorm RA for the rest of your life

Imagine if every club’s first rule explicitly stated that you cannot talk about the club activities. Welcome to crochet club. The first rule of crochet club is don’t tell people you crochet.

I taught my 1yo how to turn on my mother-in-law’s dishwasher since she only uses it for storage.

The shower scene from Psycho, but instead of a knife, Norman Bates is wielding a ferocious Chihuahua

*quits Twitter to spend time with family*

*remembers what family is like*

*quits family for Twitter*

Adding “scroll for two hours” to my To-Do list, so I won’t do it.

I refuse to care about a royal baby in England while the Burger King remains heirless. Does no one remember the horrors of the Burger Wars

*hires skywriter*
YOU CAN’T BLOCK ME

whoa whoa whoa we both like to laugh?!
*pretends hand is a telephone*
“Hello, Las Vegas? One marriage, please!”

[ouija board] hi grandma, i hope your in heaven and i love you
“..y..o..u..’r..e..”

me: I want you to be you but also all mine

pizza: [cheesing seductively]

[INT. STARBUCKS – DAY]

Me: Theres a large rat in the bathroom
Barista: ?
Me: A large rat
Barista: ?
Me: THERES A VENTI RAT IN THE BATHROOM

I’m the friend that shows up with a shovel and alibi.

[2 dogs eating dinner]
“u know Sharon, that life insurance policy u found me is great”
[stops chewing]
“why does this taste like chocolate”

What adults say: I’m just gonna close my eyes for a minute.

What adults mean: goodnight see you tomorrow

cop: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
me: *puts hands up and my shirt rises exposing my entire stomach*
cop: SIR PUT YOUR HANDS BACK DOWN

Child: What’s that?
Me: My high school senior photo.
Child: You were good looking.
Me: Thanks.
Child:
Me:
Child: What happened?

Unsolicited sandwich pics.

*signing sign in sheet*
(to myself): This will be worth a lot once I’m famous.
Hospital Nurse: Alright let’s get that pea out of your ear.

LADIES, imagine this.

It’s 15 years from now. Your son is playing pee-wee football. Your husband has been working with him all summer. Your little girl is cheering on her big brother at the fence. The coach benches him and puts in a golden retriever.

Me: I like that we wear our masks in bed.

Jennifer Aniston: How do you keep getting in here?

Brad Pitt: Let him stay.