Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Girls don’t like boys, girls like when rabbits yawn & look like they are yelling.

I had to walk behind my teenager during his zoom class in order to go to the bathroom and now his peers know that he has parents. THAT HE LIVES WITH. He’s obviously very upset. Please send him your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.

I always carry a condom in my wallet in case a date goes unexpectedly well & I need to impress her with my balloon animals skills.

I think I found a perfect place for Spongebob.

if you don’t like sports you are missing a whole world of easygoing conversations with complete strangers

Forget about waking me up when September ends, wake me up when Backstreet’s back, alright?

I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I’m making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.

prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo

Me: Hey, don’t assume I’m dying alone. I might find someone, you don’t know.

Waiter: I asked if you were dining alone.

Me: Oh, sorry. Yes.

Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.

boss: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: HAHAHA

[later]

cw: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: literally never talk to me gary

If you’re smuggling booze into a concert, put the bottle under a handful of tampons and go to the young male bag checker. they get embarrassed and immediately close your bag. works every time — even more so if you’re a dude

Her: did you give the dog alcohol?

Me: no, why? Is he acting weird

Dog: *texting* yo how come nothing ever happened between us? :/

Them: you haven’t been to the gym in a while

Me: I had a cold

Them: it’s been 7 months

Me: I had a lot of colds

I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does

If your dress suddenly turns into rags at midnight while you’re being driven home by a bunch of mice on a pumpkin, you’re not Cinderella, you’re drunk.

hmmm

A tampon just fell out of my bag as I went to pay for something at a garage & a grown man in his construction gear laughed…….at a tampon….
So I looked at him and asked him did he want to keep it since it brought him way more entertainment than it will ever bring me.

My oldest chicken is going through henopause

It’s easy to blind someone with science. All you need is a good throwing arm, the proper wind direction, and a little sulfuric acid.

NEED SOMEONE TO FILM AN ONLYFANS VID WITH ME:

You pretend to be a mover helping me get my things from one apartment to the other. I wear a tiny sundress and you don’t touch me you just move my things. This does not pay

There are at least two things in this ad that caught my attention

Whenever u feel like ur not being productive, take a nap. You’ll wake up groggy & angry & have forgotten abt the whole “productivity” thing

It’s October so I refuse to kill any spiders in my house in hopes that they do the Halloween decorating for me.

If I’m still single on Valentine’s day I’m going join a dating agency for sure!

Husband: ….

I ordered a pizza.

I don’t think the guy understood how to get here.

Is it free if it’s 5 years late?

*Myself at the doctor*
Is this test absolutely necessary?

*Taking my dog to the Vet*
Whatever test is necessary, spare no expense.

Kanye West named his kid North. Drake Bell says he’ll name his first kid Taco. I think Jessica Biel should name her kid Batmo.

Me, responding to an urgent email on Monday morning that I definitely saw on Friday at 4 PM