Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My friend keeps saying that every time he goes to Taco Bell he gets diarrhea.

I said, try ordering Tacos instead.

*Walking with wife listening to Dust In The Wind*
Me: This is our song.
*A dude walks by listening to it*
Me: That’s OUR song! GIVE IT BACK!

—Interviewer: Do you have any special skill that can benefit our company?

Me:

12 years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe he did it. I wasn’t even sick.

Robbing a bank and getting away in a hot air balloon is on my bucket list.

I’ve been teaching the orcas how to sink boats. Soon I will ride one into battle and take my rightful position as lord of the seas right after I learn how to open my eyes underwater

I waited for so long at the doctor’s office that by the time they called me it was time for my follow-up appointment.

I WANT NERVOUS CHAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!

Obama: Get Air Force One ready.
Biden: OK! *runs off*
Obama: The plane, not the movie.
*Biden does 360*
Biden: Yeah I know.

Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?

Wedding DJ pointed at a bird that flew inside the building and yelled, “Y’all, give it up for the man who taught me how to SHAPESHIFT!!!”

While Taylor Swift’s boyfriends were exported overseas during the Trump years, only during Joe Biden’s administration were we able to bring this job back to the United States.

fedex driver: can i get a name?

sauron: i have many names

fedex driver: ok i just need one tho

Boss: Are you drinking at your desk?
Me: Yes, because it’s too hot outside.

Husband: We need to stop spending so much money.

Me: *fluffing the pillows on the dogs’ new paw patrol beds* not sure what you mean by that but okay.

COWARDLY LION: Give me courage
SCARECROW: Give me a brain
ROB THOMAS: Gimme a heart, make it real or else forget about it
TIN MAN: Oh ok Rob

UK: Hey u ok
USA: What
UK: I saw what happened
USA: Im fine, nothing happened
Canada: Hey I know what I said before but you can’t stay over

Walk into the club like whatup OWW
Walk into the mace like what DAMN
Walk into the sword like wha *dies*
*flunks gladiator school*

POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”

Finally goes to open-mic night. gets on stage. bombs so badly gets arrested for terrorism. #BucketListFails

Him: I’ve never had any broken bones
Me: *remembers his profile said he loves trying new things* Noted

As long as you’re good at blending in, you can be part of Brad and Angelina’s family too.

I never dropped acid in college but I did drop American Lit, Intro to Philosophy, General Chemistry and Phys Ed.

Clients after you give them your rates

Bartenders should put a pink straw into every woman’s 4th drink, as a signal to all the men in the bar, that she’s ready.

Jacob Marley: Tonight you’ll be visited by 2 ghosts.

Scrooge: I thought it was 3.

Jacob Marley: Lol no it’s 2017 there is no future.

I’m not crazy, I’m just mentally spicy.

My toddler just screamed GET OFF MY LAWN to her brother so it’s nice to know I’m not the only one becoming a totally different person right now

Skynet: Send a Terminator to 1984.
[5 minutes later]
Skynet: Okay, nothing changed. Send the way better liquid terminator to 1991.