Biden: Maybe we make our own country and he won’t be invited
Obama: Joe
Biden: And MAYBE THIS TIME WE CALL IT THE BLACK HOUSE RIGHT BARACK
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[End of day 1, building Rome]
Builder: We’ve finished, boss
Boss: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.
Inside of you are two wolves. Inside of me are twenty one insane weasels. We are not the same
Me to 15: aw, you’re so handsome in your school pictures! Stop growing up so fast!
15: I just heard you and dad saying you can’t wait til I move out so my room can be a home gym.
Me: ……sooo handsome though..
One time an orca befriended me and then tried to steal my boyfriend
Apparently you can’t sell your eggs if you’ve been diagnosed with depression so I guess none of these people want funny kids
You’re right. My money don’t jiggle jiggle. That’s the folds of my dad bod. Yea. They wiggle wiggle too.
My family wants to start exercising more so now I have to jog to another town and find a new family
Good news! I only ate one slice of pizza. Bad news: I did that four times in a row.
Paranormal Activity, but the demon that drags us out of bed is called “work”
– My dad (driving my car): How long has your car been doing this?
– Me: …Doing what?
until my aim improves I’m just a puncturist
if you want all your cereal boxes and chip bags to look like they were opened by a wild monkey, kids might be for you.
For sale: 1 brain, only dropped once, OW, dammit, ok twice
Me: What is the thing you want most for your birthday?
6yo: A recorder.
Me: How about a pony instead?
The journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step. They never tell you it’s downhill and you’ll be wearing slippers when it happens.
Twitter to me is like the Bermuda triangle. I don’t know how I got here and I’m not even sure where “here” is.
Therapist: Tell me something that keeps you up at night.
Me: my husband’s snoring
Therapist: let me rephrase
My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: the one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.
I’m pretty sure there isn’t a single Australian animal that wouldn’t look good in a top hat.
Bae: Are you coming over?
Me: Yes, I’m coming over.
– Me and Bae having CB Radio sex
I will give Canada this. Their geese are hard to keep in a headlock.
Interviewer: *looking at my resume* says here you’re an “aspiring side piece”?
Me: that’s my 5 year plan, within 10 years I hope to be murdered in a jealous rage. You know, before the air quality gets too too bad…
And so the devil decided to put the delete key above the send key. The end
Dear Cereal Makers,
Exactly how tall do you think kitchen cabinets shelves are?
All women really want is to be treated like you treat your iPhone.
It’s awkward standing in line at the store and the 5 year old behind me is wearing the same light up sketchers