Biden: Maybe we make our own country and he won’t be invited
Obama: Joe
Biden: And MAYBE THIS TIME WE CALL IT THE BLACK HOUSE RIGHT BARACK
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“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.” – A man who owned other men.
Not gonna lie, I’m pretty proud of this one.
Got the results of my history exam.
Past.
If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.
It’s science.
couple beside me in restaurant are on a blind date; they both love dogs, sushi, and looking at Tinder while the other one is in the restroom
I dont get laid nearly enough for someone who can name five different types of pokemon.
Remember before you give the finger from the safety of your car, not everyone has a schedule to keep
If you eat a block of cheese and do a lunge, it should balance out, right?
Actually, it was less lunge, more trip, but still.
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
Me: I had a nightmare that someone broke into our house and tried to steal our kids
Husband: What’s the nightmare part?
{Bear walks up to me}
ME: Plays dead
BEAR: Get up, I just want to talk. Who are you voting for in the election
ME: Ugh, a poller bear
Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.
GOOD COP: cover me!
DAD COP: *tucks him in* snug as a bug
Kids are easy to care for until they learn to roll over. After that you’re never
sure what they’re up to for the rest of their lives.
After Sting retires he should change his name to Stung why are you still reading this
If a guy says he’ll take you to pound town, ask for details about the puppies. I’m not taking that trip unless there’re puppies.
I’m making all of the random open bags of things in our freezer for dinner. Everyone gets 4 chicken nuggets, 5 tater tots, 6 fries, and an onion ring.
Dreams are so frustrating. It’s my brain, but instead of dreaming I’m having sex with a supermodel, I’m at the mall trying to exchange a shirt for a grape flavored one.
This wouldn’t be taking so long if they used the metric system for counting.
Me being confident.
I am 99% sure I did it, well 90% anyway.
Ok.. 50%.
Did I do it?
Just tried to move my cursor and took me a beat to realize my mouse was upside down and doing the exact opposite of what my brain was telling it to do. Drunkest three seconds of my life.
I’m really bad at portioning uncooked pasta…so if you and 110 of your friends wanna come over, dinner is ready.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i mend relationships
professor boyfriend: oh wow
Being a spider has got to be pretty stressful because anything bigger than you is either going to run away screaming or murder you immediately.
If anyone ever saw me trying to zip up my jacket I’m pretty sure they’d make me repeat third grade.
STOP ACTING LIKE THIS GROCERY STORE GIFT CARD ISN’T ROMANTIC. WHO DOESN’T LIKE FOOD?
Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children
Its like grandma said,
You’re not crazy when you sleep
If elected I will pour out three fingers of scotch and fill the bottle back up with water so my dad doesn’t notice.
[first day as a wizard] now, to cook the perfect amount of pasta