Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If my kids made a Lego Movie song

Everything Is Stickyy
Anywhere Is Cool For Wiping Your Hands
Everything Is Stickyyy
And Mommy Will Scream

You don’t have to write ‘Twitter addict’ in your bio. Your 58675687K tweets give it up by themselves.

Mistook a discarded plastic bag for a rat today as the wind blew it across my path. On the plus side, I can now perform the ‘Gangnam Style’.

6 FEET MEANS 6 MF FEET! 😂😩🔥

9 out of 10 people agreed this meeting could’ve been a group nap.

The 10th one banned me from asking questions at future meetings.

1920’s: Women were fighting for equality and the poor were suffering while the rich prospered at their expense.

2020’s: Women are fighting for equality and the poor are suffering while the rich prosper at their expense but we have the Internet now.

3 years into a relationship and you get a text “i need space” loooool lets sell some furniture then

POLICE! OPEN UP, WE KNOW YOU’RE IN THERE. WELL, WE DON’T KNOW BUT WE’RE KINDA HOPING YOU ARE COS IT WAS A LONG DRIVE & JIM NEEDS TO PEE.

Why does the alien civilization keep sending spaceships that don’t know how to land?

Trying to not lose my SHIT as someone in the office kitchen continues to call Thomas the Tank Engine “Thomas the Train”

Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.

Hubby asked me to role play sexy maid but was sold out

*Dressed up like David Spade from Tommy Boy
“HOUSEKEEPING, YOU WANT ME FLUFF PILLOW”

Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.

Pregnant women love it if you go up to them in public and ask if it’s yours

My car is saying it needs another oil change even though I literally got one in 2020. This is how the auto industry gets you.

I was bitten by a radioactive spider too and all I got was stomped on

It’s important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself of why you don’t go out

Text: CMAO

Me: I think you mean LMAO, for “Laughing my ass off.”

That guy in 127 Hours who got his arm trapped under a boulder: No.

I wasn’t craving chocolate bunnies until I opened the twitter. Thanks guys, now I have to go buy Easter candy before it’s on sale.

I’ve got 99 problems…

<snap>
98 problems.
<snap>
97 problems.
<snap>
96 problems.
<snap>

BRB… I need to buy more mousetraps.

A very blasé attitude by the stoic root vegetable in the face of its imminent death…

Melted butter is an essential oil, right?…..right??

My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”

Me: Damn i really need to do my essay

Also me:

I CANT HOLD THEM BACK MUCH LONGER

I wanna write a tweet that is so good that I can retire and just live off the retweets for the rest of my life.

Did you know a hummingbird has to consume half its body weight in sugar every day and that I don’t have to do that but I still also do that?

Seeing men with their noses sticking out over their masks makes me hope I never see how they wear swim trunks.

me: ugh i hate subway. worst fast food chain by far

alien I befriended: on my planet there is no word for “hate”

I got a new washing machine that plays a little song when it’s done instead of buzzing and I just found out. So I’d been running outside for an ice-cream truck that doesn’t exist for like, 2 months.