Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i’m such an introvert i don’t even talk to myself

So, hey, the restraining order just expired, wanted you to know

Interviewer: Why do you want to work here?

Me: Revenge.

I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.

I went with 4 to the supermarket and she insisted on pushing the trolley. Every time I went to help she yelled at me so I’d just like to apologise to the 382 people she injured while we were there

Even though he murders a lot of people, you can tell Freddie Kruger is a fun loving guy cause he goes by Freddie and not Fred or Frederick

I may regret eating so many deviled eggs this weekend, but my family will regret it more.

This Tweet from @gnuman1979 has been withheld in response to a report from the copyright holder. Learn more.

once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches

I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very very real.

10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.

[Neo’s Matrix bullet dodge but instead it’s me taking a compliment]

[ant colony]

husband: I am beat

wife: you’re the one who wanted to be in construction. I should’ve married a doctor

husband: yeah but *flexing* can a doctor lift 5,000 times his body weight?

wife: WE ALL CAN, GARY

I want this so bad

Things will get butter, keep churning

[Scooby Doo at an interview]
Interviewer: May I see your CV?
Scooby: *hands CV over* Rrres you may!
Interviewer: Round here we call it a CV.

Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.

[Calls an ex]
Ex: Hello
Me: Remember how you lied about everything
Ex: Why are you doing this
Me: It’s Throwback Thursday

Telling people to ban same sex marriage cuz of your religion is like telling the supermarket to stop selling junk food cuz you’re on a diet.

making sure he doesnt get away

The clearest evidence that I’ve gone insane is the fact that I pay monthly for a land line.

Don’t ask God to cure cancer & world poverty. He’s too busy finding you a parking space & fixing the weather for your barbecue.

A comic by Dan Piraro

Everyone pointing out that it’s suspicious how many AI tools are free, it’s because building a tech company these days 100% revolves around giving people your product for free/at an extreme discount until they forget how to function without it, then closing the jaws of the trap

Life goals:

Age 6: Be a pirate

10: Kiss more girls

16: Be 18

21: Be rich by 30

22 – 32: *File corrupted*

33: Improve on napping

rival dad next door just randomly decided to power wash his driveway on a Wednesday at 10:30 in the morning. guess i’m gonna have to install an in ground pool and tiki bar this afternoon.

On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.

Goodnight room

Goodnight moon

Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June