[Biden runs into the oval office]
“Barack, ISIS are on the phone. They want a shipment of updog. I asked what it is but they just laughed”
You Might Also Like
I am interested in:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 making peace with the terror of being alive
My kid: Ohana means family and family means no body gets left behind
Me: I don’t care what ohana means, you have 5 seconds to get your shoes on or we’re leaving without you
Interviewer: *looking at my resume* says here you’re an “aspiring side piece”?
Me: that’s my 5 year plan, within 10 years I hope to be murdered in a jealous rage. You know, before the air quality gets too too bad…
would u rather live through 2020 again or that year where every public place was simultaneously playing radioactive by imagine dragons all the time
This dude forgot to put tomatoes on my sandwich. Thanks, “artist”. Now I have nothing to pick off.
Kids: *doing something they shouldn’t*
Me: Stop or I’ll be mad
Kids: *keep doing it*
Me: Stop or Mom will be mad
Kids:*stop immediately*
I think Jesus came up with that whole virgin birth story. No one wants to picture their parents doing it.
Teenager: *eats three corn dogs and a row of Chips Ahoy* mom what’s for dinner
As soon as they figure out sex, we’re saved.
How come I can get free wifi with a $3 cup of coffee but I can’t get it with a $150 hotel room?
Me in my 20s: SEVEN MORE SHOTS AND THEN TACO BELL!
Me in my 40s: I have moderate hip pain & I believe I may have swallowed some hair
road rage
I can really relate to pi because I also keep going forever after the point has been made.
[Preens and poses in front of security camera]
*Shoplifts makeup and diet products*
Security Guard: Let her have it.
Messaging my hair person to make an appointment for sometime in the week and finding out they are now based in the UK….
(My romance novel)
“You have a pretty face,” he said.
“Thank you,” she said, lifting up her bangs. “I’ve got even more face under here.”
cop: can you describe the intruder?
me: he had a toe ring
cop: he was bare foot?
me: no, he was wearing shoes, but I could just tell
one thing the entire animal kingdom has in common is the face we make when our kid won’t shut up
So, apparently, avid cyclists don’t like it when you call them “pedalphiles.”
“Yay, outdoor soccer in the rain”
– said no mom, ever
My neighbor Totoro just planted like five hundred trees overnight. Big mistake pal. Prepare to face the full wrath of the homeowners association.
Me: I’m cutting back on wine!
Future Me: You might want to hold off on that decision until you hear what’s coming .
I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.
She was like “I’ll see you in hell” and I was like “omg I have a date”
My Son: In my dream last night we were on the second floor of a restaurant, and the WEIRDEST THING HAPPENED.
Me: I love when restaurants have second floors.
My Son: It’s really fancy!
Me: It’s the best!
~ Team Lack of Focus, reporting for duty
“It doesn’t matter what you look like on the outside”
ME: Oh thank god
“It’s who you are on the inside”
ME: Dang
My 9yo: the best teacher name at my school is Ms. Huggies.
Turns out her name is Ms. Hughes, but I’m gonna let that one ride for a while.
GUYS GUYS GUYS, I just saw this dude wearing the stupidest . . . False alarm, just a mirror.
Guys, if a girl just wants to “be friends,” then borrow $100 from her and never pay her back. Like a “friend” would.