[Biden runs into the oval office]
“Barack, ISIS are on the phone. They want a shipment of updog. I asked what it is but they just laughed”
You Might Also Like
My 10 yr old was hugging the cat, & whispering to him “I love you so much that you’re the 2nd most loved thing in my life.” Aww, I thought, she’s still mama’s little girl. Then she finished her whisper with “But spaghetti is my favorite thing.”
living with your parents
pros: it’s free
cons: everything else
[being murdered]
Mailman: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
My Dog: if only someone had indicated on multiple occasions that the mailman was bad OH WAIT
ME, anxiously practicing in mirror: Thanks a LOT. Thanks A lot. THANKS a lot.
*doorbell*
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your food.
ME, blurting: THANKS A LOT OF DELIVERY GUYS GET KIDNAPPED
I have a three year old, a one year old, and a dog, and when I discover that someone chewed up my magazine and peed on the rug the dog is never my primary suspect.
Be the change you want to see in the world!
Me: *goes back to bed
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic – Tacs.
I’m just a regular guy going for a regular jog with a regular plasma TV being chased by the regular police.
Me: Congrats! I heard you got married again
Her: Sorry I didn’t invite you. It was a small ceremony
Me: Its ok. I’ll go to your next one
I don’t have anybody to eat dinner with so I share my dinner with the sky chickens.
My Neighbor- * Yelling from a distance*
Dam it! Would you please stop feeding the seagulls. They keep shitting on my Jeep.
You piss on someone’s couch one time, and they never let you forget
Just overheard a guy say he was buying a MacBook so he doesn’t have to worry about the Ebola virus. What.
her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting
me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?
her: adderall
Bought $200 sunglasses.
Lost them in 15 minutes.Bought Walmart sunglasses.
Had them for 238 years.
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
Me: This is the worst day of my life.
Her: Really?
Me: *pulls out a spreadsheet ranking every day of my life so far to prove it*
I love ketchup from my head to-ma-toes
87.5% of marriage is just marriag.
Pennywise “I have alcohol down here”
*All of Twitter goes missing*
me: Go back!
uber driver: Did I miss the turn?
me [already in the front seat trying to find the station that was playing Taylor Swift]
Don’t cook with kids if you don’t know how to season them.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back and make better mistakes.
I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.
My toddler told me to open my mouth and close my eyes and then proceeded to eat the surprise herself. She’s clearly ready for adulthood
Makes me laugh when a person blows their nose,then look into the tissue to see what came out. Seriously.. what are you expecting to find there?
Me: [raises hand to hail cab]
*Catches random touchdown pass
Friend: Sorry. Are you annoyed?
Me: *chainsaw noises*
Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t use an everything bagel as a loofah in the shower tomorrow
Watch James Cameron’s spectacular vision to take 3 hours to tell a storyline that could’ve been an e-mail
…again.
(Now in theaters)