The swimsuit portion of the presidential election is going to suck.
[Biden runs into the oval office]
“Barack, ISIS are on the phone. They want a shipment of updog. I asked what it is but they just laughed”
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*malia passes me a joint* thanks obama
Me: it’s not you, I just don’t like talking on the phone, I’m super awkward oh god, u think I’m weird for saying that don’t u
911 operator: ma’am is he still stabbing u
Who decided that we should sit together in groups while we chew food?
My 8-year-old son told me my veins on the back of my legs are looking better, thus showing me he really knows how to compliment a woman.
A man reading a thesaurus saunters into a tavern.
Albert Einstein looking fabulous.
STOP TEXTING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
Me: Mom…Dad. I’ve decided to live on my own from now on.
Parents: ok, cool.
Me: Your luggage is outside
Old people like to get up at 4am so they can go sit in chairs and fall back asleep