Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.

[walks into a laundromat with a bag of popcorn kernels and heads straight to the dryers]

me: you died in poverty

clone of nikola tesla: damn

me: but now the world recognizes your genius

tesla: ha I guess so, look at this car with my name on it

me: ok so remember when I called this a “good news sandwich”?

“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Levitates bread*

I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.

And I think I’m winning.

“They wanna come in but can’t get past the cats!”

A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds

[Back To the Future, 2018]

Marty’s dad: She texted me back! What do I say??

Marty: I got it. Lemme see…*sends SpongeBob gif and immediatly starts disappearing*

I’ve seen enough movies to know that when you wake up in a hospital bed, you rip all the cords off because you’ve got work to do.

Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are

*aggressively pronounces luncheon like lunch-ee-own*

My teenage sons are basically the Stormtroopers of urination.

[inventing a new flavor Dorito] what’s the last thing you stepped on

US Loretta Lynch confirms that all 7 FIFA officials dramatically threw themselves onto the ground faking injury when arrested earlier today.

[taking FRIENDS quiz]

7. Which character do you most identify with?

Ross

8. Which is your least favorite character?

Ross

Suddenly your entire body starts to vibrate. To your horror you realize it’s vibrating to the melody of the Benny Hill theme. This goes on for 2 hours, then it stops.

‘That’s enough punishment for now’, I whisper to myself, and put away the kazoodoo doll…

I feel like I’m finally ready to be a dad. Can’t wait to tell my kids.

He was a t8er boi. My little potato boi

Jesus: love your neighbor

Me: aw thanks, yours is also great

the queerest moment of my life was a first date with a cute girl that was going really well until she said “I hate cats” and I was like ohhh and she was like “should we just end this now?” and I was like “ugh. yeah probably” and then we hugged goodbye

Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.

Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.

How to woo a woman

It’s impossible for TWO dudes to ride ONE motorcycle without it looking romantic…

Replace all HR departments with fight clubs

My laptop: *cannot find printer*
Me: *gesturing* look it’s right there

5: mummy can I clean the plates
Me: yes of course
5: it makes me happy to clean plates *walks away*
Me: where are you going
5: to watch tv
Me: I thought cleaning plates made you happy
5: not on a Tuesday

My kids made a mess this morning pretending to be leprechauns. They don’t know it yet, but after school they get to pretend to be janitors.

I need to stop asking ppl who wants to do an activity with me on my close friends story because 12 people said they wanted to go to this museum and now I have to make 11 people mad

I Tokyo drifted around a corner on black ice this morning and now I gotta swing back home for some fresh underwear happy Friday

I wear a ski mask wherever I go but only rob ski resorts. It’s quite ingenious really. Let me explain…