Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Rejected titles for “The Queen’s Gambit” (2020):

– Knights, Knights Baby
– Pawn Hub
– Mate Expectations
– Checks Mix
– Stop Staring at My Chess!

[from the sperm donation room]

Me: *screaming with the door cracked open* I NEED MORE CUPS

When I’m fishing, I’ll use meatballs as bait because most fish are probably sick of seafood.

Doctor: “I’m sorry, sir, but you have an STD. I suggest you make a list of all your partners–”

Lou Bega: “Way ahead of you.”

Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.

guys: women are a mystery.
women: Here is what we-
guys: LITERALLY WHAT DO THEY WANT?
women: well for start-
guys: Guess we’ll never know!

who sleeps with a chair next to their bed that’s like asking for a dead family member to wake you up at 3am asking what you’re doing with your life

Her: “Oh my God! Where did you learn to do that with your tongue?

Me: “Cadbury eggs.”

August 9th is Book Lovers Day! Not to brag but I once wrote a book on pizza. My publisher suggested I use paper next time.

impressing her on a first date by using no knife but two forks

ask your insurance company if you’re healthy enough to see a doctor

My kids started calling me boss today, so now I have the painful task of figuring out which one I’m going to have to let go.

shoutout to sookie stackhouse. she resisted eric northman for 3 seasons whereas i would have had my neck exposed, ready to be sucked like a capri sun as soon as he looked my way

[god making cheetahs]
Let’s just squish a giraffe and give it whiskers

A spray bottle to deal with close talkers.

What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?

A) Be Seedy

Sometimes hanging around with kids makes me feel like a superhero.

“Uncle Denny I can’t open this beer can you help me?”

Haha sure thing kiddo

what is joe biden’s plan to make everything bagels less messy to eat

I’m at my most Liam Neeson when my food is missing from the employee fridge.

Yoga Teacher: Set an intention in your heart
Me: I want to be sexy
Yoga Teacher: A kindness for the world
Me: Ok, I want everyone to be sexy

Tell me your best thing today. Mine was I went to see ‘The Meg’ at the cinemas and this jerk kept kicking my chair. So I got up halfway through the movie, sat down in the empty chair behind him and kicked his chair until the end of the credits. 10/10, would pay $20 to do it again

My friend: Have you ever tripped on mushrooms?

Me: Yeah I’m very clumsy

Don’t ring my doorbell unless you’re accompanied by a camera crew and holding balloons & a big check.

Necrophiliacs love going out on expiration dates.

My wife has close friends whose husbands are notably worse than me and I highly recommend this arrangement

I’m taking myself to the movies this afternoon. I’ll probably hold my own hand and flirt with myself too.
“No please, let me buy the m&m’s. You’re so thin.”

My biggest accomplishment this week was my AirPods surviving a trip through the washing machine. And I don’t know whether to try harder or buy a lottery ticket.

6-year-old: What if dementors attack our house?

Me: They can’t get in.

6: Why not?

Me: My patronus is a screaming toddler.

Whose bad idea was it to text him a 4th time just in case his phone was being weird?

Tequila, I’m looking at you.

God: let’s make their hands able to become cups so they can drink

Angel: that’s pretty cool

G: but only a little bit

A: ooookaaaayy…

G: and they’re leaky as hell

A: there it is