Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I was speeding.
Cop: And why were you speeding?
Me: My daughter said that the red car was winning, sir.
Cop: Omg, sorry I intervened. *shoots out red car’s back tire*

“Hi I’m looking for a birthday card for my mom’s sister”
*hands you an extremely small card*
“WHAT IS THIS A CARD FOR AUNTS”
Yes
“Perfect”

promising I won’t get too involved in my son’s little league game but it’s the second inning and I just told the umpire to lawyer up

My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.

I’ve got a neighbor who’s really into morons. I should introduce her to you guys.

When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.

I would describe my conference call personality as “also there”

Police Officer: i will arrest anyone who had a hand in this

Puppeteer: [visibly sweating] oh no

With everyone here having multiple personalities, you’d think we’d collectively get more done.

ROBIN: You didn’t name everything in the bathroom after you, too, did you?
BATMAN: Of course not
ROBIN:
BATMAN: OK, yes, there’s batshampoo
ROBIN:
BATMAN: But there’s also conditioner gordon

Just watched a woman outside of the UPS store yell at another woman, “GO TO HELL, MARGARET!” Margaret looked absolutely scandalized. As if this was the first time someone told Margaret to go to hell. As if.

Awesome parenting 😂

I have no idea how to clean a cheese grater. Usually I just end up grating a sponge

[Turning a carved Halloween pumpkin around so it’s now a Thanksgiving pumpkin] “haha suck it, Martha Stewart”

My kid can’t remember to flush the toilet but can repeat every episode of My Little Pony, word for word

I’m wearing nike pants so you have to just do it…

According to WebMD, given my symptoms, I died 9 years ago.

At a kids’ birthday party. With my kid.

He abandoned me and I don’t know how to talk to the parents

Day new couch arrives: No more food or drinks on the couch, I’m serious!
1 week later: *Kids are eating pancakes directly off the cushions*

No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck

You when you started twitter vs. you now.

Today on “Dora the Explorer”, Dora and Boots learn there are some places they can’t explore when Map leads them to an armed border patrol.

My sixth grader told me this morning that when his homeroom teacher calls the roll, all of his classmates decided that instead of saying ‘Here!’ or ‘Present!’ they will say ‘Against my will’.

we need a disney princess who is the shark from the movie Jaws

If you watch 2016 backwards, it’s a heartwarming story of how celebrities can come back to life just by trending on the Internet.

Names that sound like Tarzan describing people:

William Hurt
Emily Blunt
Edgar Wright
John Goodman
Shelley Long
Timothy Treadwell
Emma Stone
Jack Black

Husband: How’s your diet going?

Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.

Nature documentarian (weeping): I know it’s against our non-interference policy, but we have to intervene and put this poor creature out of its misery. This is just cruel.

Me (holding 3rd bowl of cereal): What are you people doing in my apartment?

Anyone who says cheetahs are the fastest land mammals hasn’t seen me move a cat off an expensive area rug before he pukes.

Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.