Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

owing to recent events I will be moving to the big duck in Long Island

Him: This fish is too fishy.

Me: How’s your water? Too wet?

These are dark times.

~me, everyday at 4pm

I wear a cape because I’m Super Broke

I don’t think this bowl of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups on my desk is making me as indispensable to the workplace as I had hoped.

*puts PLEASE SPEAK AS LOUDLY AS POSSIBLE WHEN ORDERING sign on drive-thru*

*watches people scream into the box*

That’ll teach them to get my order wrong.

I had a few too many beers at an art exhibition and threw up all over the floor. Someone offered me three grand for it.

Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.

Me: Orders takeout.

Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.

-thug life

Employment is basically an arranged marriage with your coworkers.

Why do they put stools in bars? They’re like the tipsiest type of sitting utensil

“hush little baby” is my favorite lullaby that teaches infants about rampant consumerism

*job interview*
“So this yearbook isn’t your resume?”
“No. I’m not a moron. Those are my references. I highlighted all the NEVER CHANGE’s.”

doing some research

can’t a grown man in a phantom of the opera face mask just go grocery shopping like everybody else!? geeze.

Not in the turkey day spirit? Every time someone wishes you a Happy Thanksgiving just look them in the eye and say Gobble.

Me: You Miss 100% Of The Shots You Don’t Take

Vaccination clinic nurse: You are already boosted. Please Leave

I forgot to take my meds so I’m looking forward to joining the squirrels in the tree to talk politics

Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.

White people dance like they have an invisible hula hoop around their waist.

God: you’re an amphibian.

Frog: what does that mean?

God: it means you can breathe on land and in the water.

Frog: omg you mean I’m a mermaid?

God: no that’s not what I-

Frog: [whispers] I’m the littlest mermaid.

If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.

white people love ordering something that’s meant to be eaten with rice without rice and then waking up the next day not being able to open their eyes because of sodium bloat and being like why is korean food so salty like you ate enough kimchi jjigae for a family of 5 martha

it’s so over update: accidentally pushed the button that set my desk into standing mode but couldn’t be bothered to get up so spent 10 mins like this until someone walked past and shamed me into resolution

When a movie has an exorcist, some demons are in for a bad time, but not at first.

me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question

cop: you’re not even a suspect

me: I just wanted u to know

me: [sits bolt upright in bed]
usain: stop doing that

I’m eating this banana sideways so my husband doesn’t get the wrong idea.

I only drink Smart Water now.
I think it’s really helping my…
my head thinking thingie.

Found 78 cents in the dryer this morning & all I’ve got to say is this family is not making it worth my while.