Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Netflix: Are you still watching?

Me: Yes.

Netflix: Have you showered today?

Me: Um, I …

Netflix: And use soap this time.

[in bed]
ME: [turning off table lamp] I’ve finally finished my book
WIFE: What happened in the end?
ME: I saw his stripy shirt behind a tree

Jaws (1975): people started hating a shark for doing normal shark things

Microdosing being a pigeon by delivering a letter.

A good anvil is very expensive. It would be great if they fell out of the sky once in a while.

I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.

*finally detangles ear buds

*plane lands

officer it’s my son’s car
“just make it stop sir”
I don’t know how
“can you call him”
I’ll try
*tries to dial while car bounces up and down*

Just completed a task that I’d been putting off for months. It took ages and was massively inconvenient, I was right to delay it as much as possible. I will learn much from this.

I’m spending today at the third day of a three day antiques fair. I waited until the third day because I wanted the antiques to be as old as possible.

Just thought of way to discourage teenage smoking. Instead of saying “Cancer” on boxes replace it with the word “Acne”.

WIFE: *yells into basement* Our savings account is entirely empty. Do you know what happened?
ME: *assembling robot monkey butler* No idea

God, creating dogs: make them smart

Angel: how smart

God: capable of saving lives but incapable of turning around if they walk around a tree with their leash on

INCORRECT PUNCTUATION STARTS FIGHTS:

Happy April Fools!!!

VS.

Happy April, Fools!!!

Hockey would be better if the players had to write a short essay about what they did wrong before they could leave the penalty box.

me: how much gas do i have?
car: empty.
me: ok but HOW empty?

IT guy: what seems to be the problem

me: hi uhh my computer won’t turn off and back on again

IT guy: [covers phone] what do I do

My husband’s really not keen on this whole ‘date night’ thing that married people are supposed to do……

Perhaps next time I should go out with him?

At the outdoor church service today, the pastor invited the kids to use sidewalk chalk to draw things that remind them of God.

My six year olds decided to trace each other and create a crime scene.

You know, you don’t realise what you’ve got until you don’t have it. I just ran out of toilet paper …

my wife’s friend is so pissed i made fun of his lazy eye he’s having a hard time even looking at me

Photosynthesis is the process used by plants to convert a picture into a thousand words

Me: *squirting air bubbles into the sea monkey tank
7: I didn’t know those things were still alive.
M: That’s why you don’t have a dog.

[crane rental company]

Customer: *holding 25-pound bird* what the hell is this

[speed dating]
Me: Have you ever choked someone?
“No I would never do something like that”
Me: Next

I translated it for you because it’s just the funniest dialog

Him: Are you free later?

Me: Nah, baby. I’m more expensive later.

If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.

“So it’s sausages in a kind of fat pancake?”
“It’s called a Yorkshire Pudding”
“Ah, ok, so we’ll call it sausages in Yorkshire Pudding?”
“No, we’ll call it Toad in the Hole”
”Sorry what?”
“And we’ll call the dessert…”
“How about just steamed pudding?”
”…Spotted Dick”
“I see…”

[ikea date]

him: let’s go check out the beds 😉

me: *mouthful of meatballs* they sell furniture here?