BIDEN: That went well.
OBAMA: Did you have to say you loved Trump’s sons in Twilight?
BIDEN: It’s what I do.
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Payday: BUY ALL THE THINGS!!
Day Before Payday: I would like to pay for this taco in pennies.
“Ninja please” -Japanese people
If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”
Mom, look at my diarrhea.
— My 5yo holding up the diary I bought him at his school’s Scholastic book fair
I’m beginning to think “hindsight is 2020” was some kind of message from a future time traveler that we all misunderstood.
Wife: We are lost
Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine
Netflix: “Are you still watching? Do you have any hobbies?”
Girl, did it hurt…when you fell from heaven? *smooshed girl bobs away making accordion sounds*
A new study reveals that tigers are totally harmless to humans, “They don’t even eat meat” said a very stripy scientist.
Try explaining to your kid why you’re taking a bath with a cucumber then come talk to me about your problems.
The Illuminati is the belief that the most powerful ppl on Earth are in a conspiracy to leave giant clues that they’re part of a conspiracy.
They said it was a black-tie affair. They should’ve specified that it was a jacket-shirt-underwear-pants-socks-shoes affair.
I asked when my gym membership was up and the dude said “day before Valentine’s Day” like I’m some genius who knows when Valentine’s Day is.
Apparently telling the cop during my sobriety test, it’s not how many times you fall, but how many times you get up was not the best answer.
The man next to me has cologne so strong that I’m dizzy with hallucinations, plus all those mushrooms I took.
Wife: Who is the prettiest of my friends?
Me: your mother, why?
W: Stop acting like you’re 12.
M: (thinking) I dodged that bullet again.
No one loses an argument when they’re carrying a chain saw.
I have a friend who can help get me admitted to clown college. He nose people.
MOM STOP LICKING YOUR FINGER TO CLEAN MY FACE I’M IN A GANG NOW
And is this “year-end bonus” in the room with us right now?
The Times needs to give an immediate raise to whoever wrote this headline
Spokane Press, Washington, July 16, 1907
I probably shouldn’t say this, but if you googled “how to NOT get away with murdering somebody” and then just did the opposite there’s no way the cops could make you a suspect
Before I drop a bag of clothes off at Goodwill, I like to take it for a ride in the back of my car for a good five or six months.
Freezing cake does not impede eating.
Stiff calories are still delicious.
18 is TOO young to get married!
You can’t even buy booze at 18!
If you can’t buy booze, how the hell are you gonna make a marriage work?!?
The best part about getting older is now when my friends make me mad I just give their kids a gift that contains glitter.
I’m never marrying anyone else that I find on craigslist.
Life hack: Confuse your doctor by putting on gloves the same time he does
When I die, someone, please attend my funeral dressed as the Grim Reaper and just stand there and don’t say a word. Thanks.