Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: and i love that thing u do with ur tongue piercing..
Wife: OMG [storms off]
Me: WRITING OUR OWN VOWS WAS YOUR IDEA LYDIA
[Priest faints]

Parents, raise your kids well, or they grow up to be like your coworkers.

In high school I only played the trombone so I could hit people and make it look like an accident.

Welcome to middle age. No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive.

[creating animals]

God- I want an animal with 2 humps

Angel- And a cute face?

G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans

A- LOL

G- LOL

This could be us… but you playing

10 puts the paper toilet roll on in the “under” position.

long story short he’s by the road with a for sale sign on.

Sir, you can’t walk up to the drive through window.

[45 minutes later]

*gallops up to window on stick horse*

Husband: I love everything about you.

Me: Even my toe hair?

H: What toe hair?

Me: *tears up* That’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever said to me.

God: let’s make their hands able to become cups so they can drink

Angel: that’s pretty cool

G: but only a little bit

A: ooookaaaayy…

G: and they’re leaky as hell

A: there it is

Pearly whites? I assume you mean my legs.

Elmer Fudd married Bugs Bunny. Twice. I think they had a better shot than you.

– me as a marriage counselor

Opera is what happens when someone stabs you and instead of dying, you sing.

WIFE: There are people from the zoo at the front door

ME: *sitting on the couch with my new pet monkey* Do they look upset?

Deciding which personality is going to respond to an email

Friend: What a cute baby! Boy or girl?

Me: Guess

Friend: What’s its name?

Me: Spork

What did one ocean say to the other?

Nothing, it just waved.

Sea what I did there?

I’m shore you did.

Laugh, you son of a beach!

My kid asked me for a boomerang so I handed him the apple that has gone back and forth in his lunch for the past week

{to my new cat} i need you to kill this rat. u are the king of the jungle. u got this homie

{after watching an episode of tom and jerry} forget everything i just said. stay away from that rat. he’s going to kill you with a piano.

Me: Why is your face so cold??

Husband: *sheepishly* Took me a while to choose a snack from the fridge.

I just took out a second mortgage on my house in case I get hungry at the airport tomorrow.

if you think about all the people you didn’t marry, you’ve had a positive impact on virtually every life in the world

NURSE: I promise. It’s ok. You can come in.
MAILMAN (trembling): are..are you sure
DR DOG: *locked in his office just going freakin nuts*

Mary has her cakes…
Sandra has her cookies…

The worst part about re-watching Home Alone is you just know Kevin’s parents bought this house for like $250K.

You know who else has a naughty list?

HR

Fashion designers: What do you want?

Me: something that hides my belly fat, shows off my curves and something even an 80 year old would find comfortable

Fashion designers: we don’t do magic

Dear sneeze, if you’re gonna happen, happen. Don’t put a stupid look on my face and then just leave.

I once had a broken tooth repaired in France. I still chew with a slight accent.

I like to hide vegetables in my kids’ smoothies, and tiger tranquilizers in mine.