Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Went to bed with wet hair and woke up looking like I might know a lot about astrophysics

How can a murderer return to the scene of the crime? I don’t even go to the same McDonald’s too soon after I’ve eaten there.

ME: do u like smart guys

GIRL AT BAR: yes

ME: sorry i wasted your time

Awww it’s cute how your baby pulls my hair. Like she doesn’t realise I will pull hers right back.

When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.

Well well well, if it isn’t the bridge I said I’d burn when I came to it…

What is worse than your GF sending you a text to ” Break Up ” ?
Another text saying ” Sorry, that wasn’t for you ! ”
😂😂😂

Pro tip: don’t bother feeding your kids before heading to the grandparent’s house. Either way they will be starving as soon as they walk in.

Roses are red
Vodka is clear
Shit got wild last night
I should stick to beer

How does Disney decide who needs pants and who doesn’t?

dating apps never work for me because i need at least two years of friendship charged with weird sexual tension to even consider falling in love

Me: …so long story short, what I’m saying is, it either has to be a talking goat, OR a monkey who doesn’t talk, but understands my every word.

Genie: That’s it, no more wishes for you

My mom used to beat me with a camera.

I still get flashbacks.

I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.

[leaving store without bag]
Cashier: Forgetting something?
“Oh wow, how embarrassing”
*walks back to give her a hug and kiss on the lips*

[Creation]
God: *creates the crab
Crab: “wtf?”
God:”You’re a crab”
Crab:”wtf?”
God:”Now go forth”
Crab: *walks sideways “WTAF?!”

Ever notice how the most sensitive topics love to crash the party at the worst times? Like, “Yes, I’m totally ready to unpack childhood trauma… in the grocery store line.”

I never feel quite so uncertain as when I’m walking the dog and a neighbor driving by waves to me but my free hand has a bag of poop in it.

are americans worse off?

in 2012, j crew’s bowery chino cost $79.50. today, the giant chino is $98. that’s a ~23% increase in price but 800% more chino.

Of course the Midwest takes sports very seriously, what else are we going to obsess over…corn?

It’s hard to tweet and change the baby’s diaper at the same time.

I probably should have waited until I got to a red light.

It’s not drinking alone if you’re stuck in traffic

I’m one whole face and body rearrangement away from being Scarlett Johansson.

[going to the moon]

Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!

Me: oh no

Co-astronaut: what

Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket

“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class

i turned 40 and suddenly i can’t see shit if i drive at night and it’s raining. Is the lane still there? Idk. Did the road disappear? Idk. Am I even on the road anymore? Nope.

first date idea we go to marriage counseling

when someone else makes a typo: lmao. you wanna eat lumch? look at this idiot. gonna eat a samdwich for lumch? lumch boy wants his lumch

when i make a typo: hello is this the witness protection program

Doctor: “You have lost a lot of blood.”
Me: “That’s not good.”
Doctor: “It’s not. You are the worst manager this blood bank has ever seen.”

Make people question sincerity by adding quotations to your cards:
“Thank You”
Get well “soon”
“Congratulations” on the “baby”