Biden: Told Trump about Carter’s ghost in the West Wing
Obama: Carter is still alive
Biden: He doesn’t know that
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“You make your own luck!”
– Lucky People
Me: *checking weather on phone*
3: Mommy, are you texting Peppa Pig?
Me:
3:
Me: Yes, we go way back.
Watching Jaws with my 6 year old because I’m sick of going to the beach
There sure are a lot of hot Canadian chicks on Twitter….if I knew Canadian, I would totally hit on them.
Took the kids cherry picking yesterday. 2 refused to participate and spent the whole time playing in the dirt.
Today we’re at the children museum, so of course the only thing 2 wants to do is pick fake fruit off a fake tree.
The secret to a fulfilling and loving relationship is mortal kombat
[dean tries handing me a diploma as I walk across the stage] I have a boyfriend
One of these days, the Roomba mothership will send out a signal and none of us will have toes.
Me: Alexa, play music
Cop: where do you think you are?
4: mom was i in your tummy?
me: yep!
4: who is in there now?
me: no one
4: then why is it so big?
husband: oh no
what’s wrong babe? you’ve barely touched your charcuberie
My daughter invented a game she calls “cellphone.” I have to pretend to be a stranger, while she plays herself and just tells me about her life. For hours. She enjoys this game considerably more than I do.
Co-worker: I know I’m not everyone’s cup of tea…
Me: Yeah, you’re my glass of ipecac.
My therapist told me that constantly fantasising about living off grid in a woodland cottage that doubles as a library that triples as an animal rescue centre, is actually a coping mechanism & a sign of exhaustion.
To which I say, well imaginary you is no longer invited
If you’ve figured out one woman then you’ve figured out one woman
dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests
date 5: i don’t think the moon is real
My friend got bitten by a snake and he fell to the floor and started writhing around. It’s amazing how fast the super powers kick in.
Science will never be able to determine the number of sheep in a flock, because no observer can stay awake long enough.
Wife: We’re going to have a baby!
Friend: Wow congrats! Are you going to find out what it is?
Me: I already googled and it’s a very tiny human
Unpopular opinion: I don’t like that country song about that road.
Having grown up Catholic, anytime someone says “May The Force be with you” I always want to respond “And also with you”
wife on facebook: homework with 9, he’s doing so well!
wife to me: it took him 8 tries to spell cake. CAKE. grab some wine on your way home
[after explaining speed limit signs]
5: I like how you’re creative with speed limits
NETFLIX: are your kids still watching?
ME: [clicks Continue Raising My Children]
My general rule about animals is if I can catch it, I can pet it. If it can catch me…well, I’ll get a few pets in first.
Lesser known historical fact: Abraham Lincoln’s hat was so tall because he kept an upright Chipotle burrito in there
JUDGE: So to be clear, you’re pleading not guilty to stealing the child’s shoes?
ME: [heelies up to the mic] That’s correct
*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?
just learned that cows have best friends. when they are together they experience less stress which means even cows have more friends than you