Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Jesus draws a bath after an exhausting day, gets in “Damn it, c’mon, not again!” he says as he sits on top of the water, unable to submerge

I’m not a 10. I’m more like two 5s held together by cheese and chocolate.

don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue

Just changed the vacuum cleaner bag and I’m feeling pretty handy.

Let me know if you want me to fix your transmission or your hadron collider.

From now on, I’m referring to my ex girlfriends as “yesterbae’s.”

it’s your first day back at work. your boss calls you in. “why aren’t you wearing pants?”

“threw em out” you shrug

you turn to leave but stop at the door. “wait,” you say. “but why aren’t you wearing pants”

“what?” he looks down, confused. “oh, right” he shrugs. “threw em out”

saw some family i haven’t seen in 30 yrs & now i’m good for another 30 yrs

going to bed

He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?

Top 3 screwdrivers:

1. Tool for turning screws
2. Vodka and orange juice
3. Method of Uber payment

stranger: is this snake poisonous?

us: nah fam,

stranger: *picks up snake, gets bitten, starts foaming at the mouth*

us: it’s venomous tho

My coworker’s out here matching her water bottles to her clothes and I don’t even match my clothes to my clothes.

Interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills

Me: yes that number is zero

If you ever hate someone, give their kid a whistle.

Maybe we should be focussing less on Goldilocks and more on why Mama and Papa bear don’t sleep in the same bed anymore.

Him: I think we should see other people

Me: *eating a cheese ball like an apple* why

To the twelve people who are always liking my tweets:

Do you want something from the gas station?

I love my husband so much that I have a picture of his credit card on my home screen.

I’m going to be a ghost who haunts people with a high metabolism. Hate never dies

Found a USB that can be plugged both ways. Now I miss going wrong.

I like a woman that makes me feel alive, but also lets me know that it might not be for long.

Reasons why it’s bad that Justin Bieber is retiring:

1.
2.
3.
4.
5.

maybe there is no I in team but I see there is a goat in go team, so that’s fun

“Ok, guys, before you start calling me a pervert, let me just say I found a great source of protein.” — The first guy who ever milked a cow.

[1st person to try jogging]

Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?

Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.

Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!

Inventor of raisins: “What do you like about grapes”
me: the juice part, the freshness
Inventor: right but what if they had neither

Me: I’m the world’s most gullible person

Friend: really?

Me: well apparently not