Biden: Trump’s sons were nice
Obama: Considering you called them the Menendez brothers all day
B: Uday and Qusay?
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If you have joint pain..
You’re probably holding it by the wrong end.
sugar glider wrangler
Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.
“asparagai” is what i call multiple asparagus, but don’t take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
[hitchhikes]
[arrives safely and not murdered]This is bullshit.
Her: Do you know any dog photographers?
Me *imagining a labrador holding a camera* no but I want to
My boyfriend is not like other guys. He wants to date me
This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she’s never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.
therapist: Any traumatic events from your past?
me: *deep breath*
therapist: besides the first ten minutes of Up
me: *slow exhale*
Sorry but they’re not fajitas unless they come from the fajita region of the restaurant
FRIEND: Just let her down easy
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: *jumping in bouncy castle* I WANT A DIVORCE, KAREN
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
Why do prescription pills always say “by mouth?” Where else would people put th…
Ooooooh.
What do you mean I overthink things (as I wonder if I hurt my dog’s feelings by liking cat videos on Instagram)?
Turns out that ending meetings with “have the day you deserve” has made me some enemies at work.
People be like I forgot to eat today meanwhile I’ve eaten 4 times since I started this tweet.
Everybody wants to change the world, but no one can find a diaper that’s big enough.
Marriage is saying “they’re both the same” while secretly knowing that one bowl of ice cream is slightly better than the other bowl of ice cream
HIP-STAR WARS:
Obi Wan Quinoa-be VS. Darth Vaper
ME: Can I borrow your car?
FRIEND: You already borrowed my car.
ME: *nervously* Can I borrow another one?
You only pronounce the ugh in doughnut when it’s so, so, good. That’s why American doughnuts are spelled like donut.
Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.
me: i trained my cat to talk
her: let’s see
me: name an object pronoun
cat: me-
me: what do i say when i’m hurt
cat: -ow
her: this sucks
me: just wait
cat: we’re just getting started Linda
Wow, you forget to buy beer a few days in a row and suddenly your husband is offering to do the grocery shopping, my plan is working, guys.
I presented pragmatic, irrefutable facts and felt confident I made my case, but my dog would have none of it.
I say “Have a good one” instead of “Have a nice day” because I’m so mysterious. One what? You just don’t know!
Pretty sure it’s easier to break a person out of a maximum security prison than break a Barbie doll out of its package.
Nobody:
Me: LORD OF THE RINGS IS A CHRISTMAS MOVIE THERE ARE ELVES.