Biden: Trump’s sons were nice
Obama: Considering you called them the Menendez brothers all day
B: Uday and Qusay?
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Videos that say “wait til the end” and then nothing cool happens, are the reason I have trust issues
You think you have it rough, try driving with two Pringles cans on your hands
Last night my son got sick, so he went to his room to lay down. Could barely move and he looked horrible.
Half an hour later the ice cream truck comes down the street and guess who RAN to the door begging for ice cream 😂
[commercial]
WOMAN: have u ever wondered what would happen if a car alarm could swim?
NARRATOR: geese
Me: I hate being quarantine alone. I wish I lived with someone.
Mom: take your father, he’s driving me insane
Me: I’m good
I hate when you go to a surprise party, and all anyone wants to do is talk about your drug problem.
GOD: i’m going to tell you the name by which you may call me throughout all generations
MOSES: no way
GOD: yahweh
MOSES: ok so what is it
20 year old me)I’m going to be rich
30 year old me)I’m going to travel
40 year old me)I’m going to be a better person
50 year old me)I’m going to bed
restuarants need to start hanging up pictures of their bathrooms outside so i know what im getting before i walk in the damn place
Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.
airports should have little side-quests available for ppl stuck in a layover
In ocean’s eleven one guy’s job was to give a suitcase to somebody and he got the same amount of money as the guy who had to do acrobatics inside a vault
House for sale. Spider on ceiling.
In Canada alcoholics go to EhEh meetings.
Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.
I don’t think I’m cut out for parenting.
– me, with four kids, ages 14 to 23.
Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.
Beginning of year lunch box- here’s a nice sandwich, some yogurt, organic strawberries, some broccoli,milk
End of year- here’s a pop tart, half an Eggo waffle,a half used pack of Juicy Fruit and a can of Mt Dew.
You know that one guy that lives in that one house across from that black dog not the one but the other one, I see now he’s working at that one place kind of downtown by that other place…
-my wife telling a story
I requested better work conditions but my boss screamed and threw his toy at me and now we’re both sitting in the playpen crying
‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC
Well, at least tomorrow is Friday.
-Me having a bad Wednesday that’s about to get even worse.
People are out here fighting over Walmart and Target. Meanwhile, I haven’t stepped a foot in either of these stores for eleven years because of the same people who will fight over and in a Walmart and Target.
Me: Shut the door, I need privacy
4y/o: But we’re family!
Me: Families don’t watch each other go poop
4:You watch me poop!
Me:…take a seat
For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don’t even want it in my garbage.
FRIEND FROM COLLEGE: After I sold my tech company, I moved to France where I met my wife, Juliette. We have three beautiful kids and run a bed & breakfast in Paris.
ME: Remember how I used to like creamy peanut butter? Now I like chunky
I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.
Candy corn is the rare candy that’s worse than than the vegetable it’s based on.
Alexa, show me where it all went wrong.
Pro-tip: instead of telling a woman she looks tired, make her day by saying literally anything else