Biden: Trump’s sons were nice
Obama: Considering you called them the Menendez brothers all day
B: Uday and Qusay?
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I just found a quarter in the vending machine, if anyone is looking for a sugar mama.
today. for the first time in a long time. i checked on the skittle under the fridge. i’m happy to report it’s still there. minding its business. doing the best it can. we should all strive for such an existence
Wife: Put the dishes away I have other things to do.
Me: ok
*Me loading dishwasher with wife watching entire time to ensure I do it right*
i ask my toddler what’s in the box she’s holding. “chaos!” she replies. “chaos! chaos!” i know she’s trying to say “crayons,” but it’s not like she’s wrong.
My toddler just tried to change the channel with a chicken finger and since I had the remote in my hand I totally let him think it worked.
ER Dr: What are you doing?
Me: I’m decorating.
ER Dr: Why?
Me: According to my bill I live here now.
I hate when I can’t remember if my wife and I are in love or fighting. So, I’m like a minesweeper in the mornings.
Didn’t realize my kid was a midwestern farmer in a past life until we drove by a cornfield and he muttered “sure is gettin’ tall”
don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather
wife: Can’t we just buy a bigger catflap?
me: [buttering the cat] We’re not made of money, Karen
It’s hard to stay mad at Kanye when you remember he once threatened to move to Oklahoma and live at his aunt’s house
Valentine’s Day makes me realize how single I really am. But I’m still gonna sleep like a baby knowing I’m not getting cheated on.
A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.
($800 for an iphone)
oh no problem here you go
(99 cents for an app)
HA I DONT THINK SO PAL MONEY DOESNT GROW ON TREES YA KNOW
jeff bezos can’t become a trillionaire if he gets eaten by a whale
hitman: clearly you can’t afford my rates so i’m referring you over to my partner
hit or missman: i guarantee that i will either kill the target or get you sent directly to jail
One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
me (spent my last $17 last month on 7 large burger king onion rings): ok so lemme give you some advice
New York: The city that never sleeps.
Berlin: The city that never sleeps until Sunday.
Paris: The city that never sleeps alone.
I wish my ex girlfriend was a Ninja, this way I’d never see her
*phone falls*
Me: Oh No my phone!!!
*friend falls*
Me: Hahahahaha idiot!
What did one tectonic plate say when he bumped into another tectonic plate? Sorry my fault..
Normalize hissing at people who stand too close to you in the checkout line.
Cop leans over body:
Looks like *removes shades* cement poisoning
Or a case *removes mustache* of gravity
Or *removes teeth* aaah gaah bwaa
Me too
Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?
He was going through a midlife ISIS!!
The part right before bench pressing when you’re laying down but not lifting is so good