Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Name origins]

Mr. Miller: I grind wheat into flour.

Mrs. Smith: I hammer iron on an anvil.

Mr. Duckworth: THAT MALLARD SHOULD COST $6.

My last cat loved deli meat, chicken pot pie, and spaghetti. Beto just looks at human food from across the room like “did it come out of a bag with my face on it? No?? That’s what I thought”

I play hard to get by barricading the door and holding hostages.

Be the reason they have to add a section about roller skates to the employee handbook.

“Is it better to be feared, or to be loved?” Cats chose both, and they’re doing fine

They say money talks, but mine barely gets a chance to introduce itself before it’s gone.

I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.

This woman on TikTok asked what centaurs do with their arms when they are galloping, and I can’t stop thinking about it.

*5.30 a.m.*

6: Mom, I’ve decided to make breakfast for everyone.

Me *groggily*: Oh, that’s sweet.

6: How many people live in our neighborhood?

Me: GO BACK TO BED!

i hate workimg at the lightbulb factory!! evrey day i hav to thimk of good ideas so they can harvest the lightbulbs that apear abov my head

Called in, “Car’s in the shop, so I’m taking the treadmill this morning. It’s taking forever.”

My cat is walking a very fine line between being cute & being sold to the Korean restaurant down the street.

In high school, one of my friends was a mormon who wanted to have twins named Idaho and Udaho, and I think about that a lot

Friend : Going to therapy saved my marriage.

Me: I’m so sorry.

Me: Pull my finger.
Doctor: Ok.
[finger detaches]
Me: AAAAHHHHH!
Doctor: AAAAHHHHH!!!
ME: haha j/k that’s actually why I came in.

the most audacious part of the trojan horse plan must’ve been trying to keep all the soldiers inside from giggling so much

First day of my levitation course today, and I went straight to the top of the class.

If you send me game requests on Facebook I’ll visit an adult bookstore and tag you as being with me.

Filling animals with helium is kinda weird, but whatever floats your goat.

MY MOM: every time I type a letter it types it twice?

ME: have you restarted your computer?

MY MOM: (very sadly) I was hoping you’d have a better idea.

JOKER: Why so serious

ME: Have you seen the news?

JOKER: Ok fair

Gandalf: A wizard is never late, nor is he early; he arrives precisely when he means to.

Mrs Gandalf: *glares into the camera*

I am fed up with all these incest jokes about us Kentuckians. It’s offensive to me as well as Uncle Dad.

This is not an empty room, this is a very succesful anti-party

astonishing how whenever you go to the post office the queue in front of you is made up almost entirely of people who appear to have ended up at the post office by accident, have in fact never visited a post office before, and have no idea what they want out of the experience

Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think

Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower.

But I’ll be telling everyone it’s from having sex while skydiving.

My kid at 8am: Mommy!
Me: Yes, my love?

My kid at 8pm: Mommy!
Me: WHAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTT NOWWWWW?!

If I was ever asked to be a cheerleader I’d jump at the chants.